Draggin Ass

So today I didn’t go to work.  I felt ‘exhausted’.  I was dragging ass like Mariah Carey after Glitter came out in theatres.  Now I know why she was “hospitalized for exhaustion”.  It would be nice to be “hospitalized for exhaustion”.  It would be great to go to “rehab”.  That just means that she was fucking tired and needed a break. 

I get it; I totally needed a break today. I have worked for the last two Saturdays on top of long weeks and I am just tired. 

 

I know that my eating and exercising habits are contributing to my exhaustion.  I eat whatever I want, however much I want and do not exercise one bit.  I know; that totally sucks.  It really sucks because K is working out so hard and eating so well.  We are never on the same page at the same time.  WHY?! 

 

I just need to work on making myself happy.  I don’t really know how to do that.  I know that I would be happier if I could lose weight and be able to tuck my shirt in my pants.  Yes, that would make me happy!  Dressing up makes me happy.  Having good skin makes me happy.  What does that really say about me?  As I think about it I realize that those things are just what comes when I am healthy and loving myself.  I guess I really don’t love myself right now.  Why you ask? I don’t know. 

I think that I really have all that I could ask for.  I am not talking about only material things although I do have the material things that I want, so what am I lacking?  Not sure. 

I feel like I am grieving the loss of who I was when I was growing up.  I feel that I was never told it was ok to be something that wasn’t familiar and comfortable.  I think the opposite it true.  I think I was told that this is your past and this will be your future.  Don’t get me wrong; I did do plenty of things that are not in line with the way I was raised.  The whole man-butt thing is a biggie.  No pun intended, but he does have a big butt. 

What was I saying?

So I never felt that I could go live somewhere else besides this comfortable city near my hometown.  How would I be different if I had moved away for college or after college?  Who knows, you really can’t answer those questions.

I never felt that I could be anything but Catholic or a Democrat.  Why is that?  Fuck.

I am nearly 40 so I think I really need to stop looking at my past and trying to find a reason for all this bullshit.  I need to embrace who I am, who I love, what I believe in and who I have around me. I need to stop making excuses and take control of my future.  I need to gain back the confidence that I once had and stop hiding behind this big belly. 

 

H

One more question I can't answer...why the fuck does Mariah Carey insist on dressing like that?  It is not pretty.  Ugh. 

Are we there yet?

Fuck, is it November 5^th yet? 

I can say that I am now officially over this election.  Everyone likes to talk about how great they are and all they have done for this country.  They point out what the other said, when they said it and how they were for it before the other was for it.  Do you follow me? 

I know; it is stupid.  Just answer the fucking question.  Tell me what you believe in and tell me what you will do. 

Obama likes to act like he is above all of the politics and the bullshit, but he isn’t.  He is only playing better than the rest and the naïve public is buying it.  Granted, Bill Clinton did much of the same when he was first elected but at least Bill had experience running a state budget. 

Ok, now let’s talk about the abortion and gay rights issues.  There are all kinds of celebrities screaming about their right to have an abortion and the right of their fag to marry.  Stop and remember where you are and who has been our president for the last 7 years.  That’s right George Bush, the born again Christian president.  If he hasn’t been able to stop abortions and the gays from fucking each other in the ass do you really think that McCain and Palin will do it?  These are the people that drive me crazy! 

Those issues are state issue because the federal government and politicians don’t have the balls to really piss off a large voting block.  Worry about who is elected governor, state representative, and senator.  Those are the bitches you need to worry about.

For president you want someone who can keep us safe from religious radical terrorists, create new job opportunities and work to balance the budget.  Which one of the monkeys do you think can do that?  

Oh help, so full and bloated. Ate too much and now feel like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory. The original version, thank you. None of that psychedelic shit with the little Indian midget for me, I prefer the classics. So roll me out of here, I am so yucka stuffed. If only I had my own little oompa loompa's to roll me to the bedroom. Is it just me or do you get a yearning for chocolate when you watch that movie? I have been a chocoholic for years and I am not ashamed.

Cheer up Charlie,

K

Yoga is hard ya'll! I'm not flexible, can't balance and have bad knees...naturally, I love it! I just had the one class but I can already do this, impressive, no? Liar? (yes)

Namaste,
K

Less talk, more action

So I did it. I went back to Hell Trail and I have to say...it wasn't as bad as I originally thought. I rather enjoyed it. This time we took Maxamillion and he loved hiking. We went the opposite way because I knew it would be harder but it seems I was in a much better frame of mind and that made all the difference in the world. We then stopped at Petco and bought Maxipad a doggy backpack so he can carry his own water. I can't wait to do it again. It was still hard but I felt great afterwards.

Big Red has agreed to join me for a yoga class, I'm afraid we will get the giggles. But my doctor has recommended it and I will at least give it a try. I wasn't able to go to the gym at all last week because I worked late every day and I am just picking it up again on Monday.

Last week was a loooooong week and I was so tired everyday, mentally and physically. The audit is finally over and I think we did well overall. Now we can focus on finding an assistant so I can get them trained and not worry about leaving for Hawaii.

Still not feeling funny so this is the end of my post. Nothing dramatic or hilarious to report. Signing off.

K

I hate people.

So work was like a total bitch dude. I am not upset or stressed I am just a tad annoyed. Oh, get this, I just found my anti-depressant medication in my pant pocket. I put it there this morning so I could take it once I arrived at the office. I get there before 7am and started working right away. I skipped my standing Thursday meeting and worked right through lunch. I left at 5:45pm because I couldn't look at the same white walls anymore.

My boss brought me lunch and a drink but I didn't get to eat it. Each time I went to open my baked potato someone walked in with a problem. Nothing really major, nothing out of the ordinary but just a bunch a crap. Things that should be obvious to most people. I would think that if you are not diagnosed with mental retardation you shouldn't act like you are. Just my thought.

I also had to deal with people trying to make a buck off of a non-profit organization. Someone who is not an employee. Someone who volunteered his time to provide advice on a new product we are developing. He did all kinds of "work" for us the last couple of months (we didn't ask him to do any of this) and then expected us to be excited by it. He also lied. He said he did original art but he just took the pictures we provided and changed the colors and the rotated the pics. What the fuck!? Are you mentally retarded. He then told us he would bring us the original pics later in the day and they were the same fucking shit. I totally called him on it and asked him all kinds of obvious questions. He said I didn't understand what he was trying to do. I told him that I totally understood what he was trying to say. He is so annoying.

I also had a mother daughter duo in my office complaining and spewing lies. I won't say much about them because I think they both may actually be mentally retarded. I am completing undercover testing to make sure.

Finally, last night I had one of my staff cry, full on shoulder shaking crying, in front of me, new program director and assistant. That totally made me laugh out loud as I typed that. Apparently, I am such a great boss that she can't stand to not report directly to me. I was like a very fucked up dream. I couldn't believe that it was happening.

I think those are all the reasons I hate people today. Oh, The Red Dragon, I dont like her and will no longer be friendly with her. She is very mean.

La Politica Baby!

I know everyone knows that we are in the midst of an election year.  Politics is all around us and I love it!  Everyone is talking about the candidates and some are even actually talking about the issues.  So I was a delegate for my homegirl Hill.  The primaries ended in a tie but the way our country is set up some states have primaries, some caucuses, and the dumb ones both.  Oh, I live in Texas, we have both.  Anyway, Obama ended up with more delegates.  Ok, I get it.  I know enough to accept it and move on.  

Now the Republicans have thrown in a woman with a child with a disability into the mix.  She has real issues that MANY families in the US face.  I don't have to tell you what they are, the liberal media is doing a damn good job of informing the country.  I love it even more!  It is politics at its best.

My whole family is Catholic and Democrat and God help you if you don't stick to those two things.  Give up meat, sex, and air before you give those two things up.  This year I have all but given up on Catholicism and now I am thinking about giving up on the Democrats.  Wait, I wrote it and nothing happened, I'm still alive, maybe I will be ok!  

I so wish my uncle and aunt were alive; they were huge Democrats that worked on local, state, and national campaigns.  They were the rebels in the family, the flower children; arrested for what they believed in.  They lived and breathed politics, they would so love what is happening right now.  

The other night I had a dream that I was talking to them in my kitchen and was telling them about my leaning to the Right.  I explained why, they listened, nodded, smiled, even agreed on a few things.  I then asked them what they thought; was I doing the right thing?  As they were going to answer, I woke up!  I woke the fuck up!  Oh, they are both dead by the way. This story wouldn't make sense if they weren't.   

So, I really believe most of the things the Dems believe but I just can't stand that Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi pushed a somewhat unknown candidate because they thought he had the carisma to win and Hillary wasn't liked by many.  I know they were shocked when she kept winning and when the primary went on so long.  I know they never imagined that she would have 18 million people vote for her.  I truly believe that they have ruined any shot we had at taking back the White House.  Their need for power fucked them over.   Part of me hopes I am wrong but part of me hopes I am right.  

I don't believe in everything the Reps believe but they are coming around.  This election there are only 3 state amendments on gay marriage.  In the last two elections there were probably something like 20!  This is promising for the Republicans. 

I will close with I know what McCain has done, what he is capable of doing, and he has been tested for over 35 years.  Obama wants me to vote for him on hope, change, and faith.

I am having a difficult time having blind faith in a God that a religion has set before me.  How the fuck am I going to have blind faith in a guy who wants to lead our country in a time of multiple wars, terrorists, and failing economy.   I don't think I can do that for the Catholics or for the Democrats. 

I miss K.  

I barely survived Hill View and lived to talk about it

Another weekend and another adventurous hike, this time at Eisenhower Park. We decided to tackle the Hill View trail, it's the biggest one that surrounds the entire park. After all, we're experts at this hiking thing, right? WRONG! It wasn't so bad to get to the observation tower, beautiful view and many trails to choose from but I chose the wrong one. I figured it was a little tough to get up here but how bad could it be from here on, let the amateurs walk on the paved paths! It was pretty steep heading down but not once did I realize we would have to head back up at some point...I'm just going to say that I had to stop a couple of times to psych myself up and there may or may not have been a point where I almost burst in to tears. After an hour all I wanted to do was find the blessed paved path that would take me out of this torture trail.

I knew that we would have to climb up and down but in none of the reviews was there a mention of BOULDERS! I was wondering if I could get a helicopter in to air lift me out...my thighs were on fire. My mouth probably got more of a work out from all the whining and complaining I was doing. Did I work every major muscle group and burn more calories than at the gym? (yes) I think if I die and end up in hell this would be it...a never ending trail that drops and climbs ever 10 seconds and Satan poking me with his pitchfork, screaming "DON'T STOP, FASTER FATTY!". They should sell t-shirts at the end of the trail that say "I survived this trail and all I got was this lousy pain in my back". Will I ever do it again? Yes because someday I will be able to do this without all the bitching and moaning. There were kids and old people on the trail doing better than me, what the hell happened? Mentally I was &%$#@! Here I am passed out at the end...somehow I turned in to an old fat man.

Here's to another healthy weekend and another trail we will conquer!

K

Blue Moon

It's been a blue week and I'm not ready or able to snap out of it. I feel sad and I'm not used to feeling this way. Big Red surprised me this morning at work with breakfast because he knew I needed some cheering up and it made me smile. Something tells me this blue moon will be hanging over my head for quite some time.

K

Walking on sunshine

5 miles! Whoo hoo! We went for another hike this morning at Government Canyon and did it wear me down? Well...yes, but I loved it. The trail was awesome and we only met two people along the entire route so it was very private and secluded. The last mile was the hardest part simply because we knew we were almost home. This is so my new thing and we can't wait to do it again.

We came home and slept and I felt like a bag of sand when I woke up. My muscles were all stiff and sore but it still makes me smile. We have steaks on the grill so the day just keeps getting better. On a happy note, my mama is finally coming home. It's been months and I have missed her. On a sad note, not feeling funny lately. Perhaps because the ugo part of Kugo has been out on vacation and I'm just a solo act. I got nothing.

Gotta go, not being funny has worn me out and frankly it's just too much pressure so why try?

K

WHAT YOU SAY?!

I JUST FOUND THIS IN THE DRAFTS SECTION. WTF?! DID I REALLY NOT PUBLISH THIS?

So the monkey and I went to the movies this weekend.  We watched the new Woody Allen movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona.  We loved the movie.  

We arrived a bit early and were the second couple in there.  As we sat there and watched more and more people come in we thought maybe it was movie day at the retirement home.  Everyone was way old!  This movie is about love, threesomes, and crazy lesbians for bob's sake.  What are all these old people doing here?  Like I said we loved the movie but totally were entertained by the blind and deaf bat behind us.  She sat down behind us and yelled, "I know, I am trying to adjust my hearing aide!!"  "What, I can't hear you!"  "Wait, I think I have it now!"  Monkey and I tried not to laugh out loud.  

They show all these stupid commercials at the movies now. Look at me telling you like you have never been to the movies.  Anyway, the bat behind us yells, "Is this the movie?!"  Uh, it was a Reeses candy commercial.  

The movie finally began and that is when the gasping and oooohhhing began.  She gasped and ooooohhhed way too much.  For everything!  Some where ooohhhs of questions and others were oooohhss of understanding and some were ooohhhs or confusion.  I think there were more oooohhs of confusion.  

Every time she did it Monkey and i would laugh.  At one point she yelled "what is that on the floor?!"   Another time she yelled "what is happening , I dont understand!"  It of course was the scene where they were discussing the threesome!  The younger lady with her kept telling her she would explain later.  We finally had to laugh out loud.  We didn't care, it was way too funny.  When we left I looked back at her and she looked like Dame Edna.  Puffy hair (maybe blue or purple), big glasses, and a flowered dress.  It took everything I had not to laugh in her face.  

It was soooo entertaining and cute

Before I pass out

Yesterday Big Red and I decided to go to the park and take a long hike. Boy was it long and rough. We went downhill, uphill, over rock, over water...it was brutal. I loved every difficult moment of it. It took us an hour and a half and we thought we were lost until we came out by the golf course. Our shirts were soaking wet with sweat and our thighs were on fire but we had these huge smiles on our faces when we were done.

That last hill about killed me and I had to rest right before we reached the top. It was a straight up climb over rocks and my chest felt like it was going to explode but I did it and I couldn't be prouder of myself. 4 months ago there was no way I could have made this hike but I can today. We decided to do it again and again every weekend and just take different trails until we have hiked all 200 acres of that park. I AM THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!!!

K

Are you a hummer?

My dentist, Dr. K, she hums. When she is working on my teeth, when she is waiting for her assistant, when she examines x-rays....she hums. I don't mind it, it actually makes me smile but what does it mean? Are people who hum happier?

Sometimes I sing in the shower. It's usually Bette Midler or Barbara Streisand, something older and more classic. Moon River is usually one of my songs. I don't belt it out or even sing the whole song, just pieces of it. When I got out my husband said "I like when you sing in the shower". I asked him why he liked it and he didn't know - just that it made him happy.

Does singing and humming mean you are happy at that moment and if it does can that happiness be passed on to whoever hears it? Interesting thought and one I must ponder on. Perhaps I can apply for a federal grant to study this occurrence?

K

RAISE YOUR HANDS IF YOUR GAY!!!

I'm not a deaf mute I just don't want to talk to you

You know those people at the hair salon or nail salon that sit there and chit chat with their stylist? That is not me. I prefer to just get in and get out. Small talk makes me uncomfortable. Today at the hair salon the man next to me was asking his stylist where she had been lately. He had apparently come in several times and she wasn't working, which disappointed him greatly. He told her "I guess you're just a girl who gets around a lot". What? That didn't come out right, that sounded like he was calling her a whore. That right there is why I don't chatter on with strangers. Well that and the fact that if they are talking too much they are not really concentrating on what they are doing.

Now take my job for instance. I can't sit around and do what I do all day and hold a conversation. I wish I could and at times, depending on what I am working on, I do. But for the most part if I were to do that, I would make a lot of mistakes because I am not focusing. I also appreciate the stylist who lets me be silent and doesn't try to engage me. If I wanted a conversation, I would call a friend.

That is just a little tip from me to you, no thanks necessary.

K

Ask me why I'm smiling today...

'Cause I don't have teeth like this guy. No, no.....I'm happy. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and they ran my A1C test (cheat test). When I first went to them, after my surgery, I was in pretty bad shape. I was at 11.5 and that is just too high. That means my glucose readings were in the high 200's and uncontrolled. I was sick all the time, my vision was bad, I had to pee every hour and I was constantly thirsty. They set a goal for me to at least be at a 7 and I figured I would be lucky to get down to an 8. But it was 6.1!! Do you have any idea how incredibly awesome that is for me? I broke down in tears in her office because I couldn't believe I could actually do it. I really thought to myself that all this eating better and working out wouldn't make that big a difference but it did and I think I broke down because for once in my life I set a goal for myself and actually hit it.

She was pleased that I made the right call to remove myself off the insulin once I started the meds and my glucose levels have been great. She told me that 90% of people, once they start the meds, gain weight but that I have dropped at every visit and actually beat the odds. There was nothing but good news for me and I couldn't wait to share my news with my loved ones. I was so afraid that all this hard work would be for nothing and once again I would be disappointed. I was working out at the gym this morning and could not stop grinning. This has motivated me even more and no matter how many compliments people pay me, none of it matters to me. My ultimate goal is to improve my health not just to lose weight. I can't wait to call my mom today and tell her because she more than anyone understands how important this is. Her mom died due to type 2 diabetes because she never controlled it and I know this is always on her mind.

This is the best high and I may not stop smiling all weekend...

K

I hate that whore!

I so know the bitch that is food. I love that whore! Today was the worst day of my life; well it really sucked, I guess I have had worst days but this one was up there! I love to eat when I am stressed or had a bad day. Today I so had a bad day. All morning long I thought about which slut I would have: hamburger, pasta, donuts, or maybe Mexican food. I was so ready for it. I got so busy that I missed lunch and decided to just wait to eat until after my 2pm meeting. After my meeting I was even more stressed. Instead of eating I decided to never eat again. (This is the hate part of food) Don't worry it won't last long. If it did I would so be anorexic and thin right now. Sadly, I am neither. I can't even stick to my hatred of the whore I know as food. I then remember my other butt, whore addiction....SHOES. I so feel better when I buy shoes. I rushed to my favorite shoe brothel and spent an hour trying on many shoes. It was great. I finally settled on 15 pairs of shoes but didnt know how R would feel about me buying $600 on shoes. Sigh...I only bought two. I will go back and get more though!!! I love the cunt that is shoes. She doesn't make me gain any weight or feel guilty after fucking her, the way I do with the crackwhore that is food. YEA SHOES! BOOOO FOOD.

Food is such a cold hearted bitch

H and I have our daily struggles. That is fairly obvious with this blog. While we follow different paths with different challenges; there is one path we walk together and that is our relationship with food. To put it kindly - food and I have a tumultuous relationship. If food were a real person I would not be friends with it. It is a love hate relationship with food having mutual feelings I'm sure. I love to eat. Food tastes sooo good, it comforts me when I am feeling down, it brings people together at family functions, it celebrates our milestones (who doesn't have birthday cake?), it rewards us on special occasions and it sustains our daily lives.

Yet it is the source of my frustration and pain on more occasions than I care to admit. I long for it at times, like a long lost love that has left me broken hearted. It leads me down a dark path with temptation. It makes me promises it never keeps (just taste me, that will satisfy your craving!) It disappoints me again and again yet I keep letting it back in my life thinking this time will be different. Food is like a past lover that never lets go of your heart.

Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with food? Probably not, it will always be the monkey on my back. The only power I have is over myself. This is just one more thing I will have to learn to deal with on a daily basis much like my diabetes. It's there and it 'aint going nowhere so I need to learn to get along with it. Until I conquer this fear/hatred/love that I have for food I will never be able to put it in the past with all those other old lovers I eventually got over.

While I have no doubt I will remain strong I also know I will stumble and fall every so often and that is okay too. At least I don't walk this path alone and I have people who will help me get up when I do fall. After all, those past lovers don't hold a candle to Big Red and look what a healthy and happy relationship I am in now. Sigh...perhaps food and I will end up holding hands and skipping off in to the sunset. If I don't end up cutting out it's cold, dead heart and burying it first. :-)

K

I can't do it, again!

Ok, so I couldn't let that last post be the first thing on this blog! 

I don't want to!

Ok, so I just don't want to write in this blog because I would have to write about what is on the top of my mind.  On the top of my mind is that I am depressed, unmotivated, and just out of it.   It feels weird having all of the thoughts at age 37!  I really should have had all of these realizations about 15 years ago.  

I was raised as a Catholic.  ALL of my family is Catholic and attends church.  My grandparents would host prayer groups, Posadas during Christmas (recreation of Mary and Joseph looking for lodging before Jesus' birth), weekly they would have local priests over to their home for dinner, and on and on.  One of my fondest memories was the Christmas that it was finally my turn to put out the baby Jesus during the huge Christmas Eve party.  Every year a different grandchild was given the honor of unwrapping baby Jesus and putting Him in His rightful place in the Nativity.  Many of my childhood memories revolve around some religious holiday or church event. I was even born on a "very important religious holiday"--Immaculate Conception.  Every birthday I would hear, "You know you were born on a very important day, right" at least 20 times.  

Fast forward to my 30th year and you will see me coming out to my parents because I was tired of hiding who I really was.  I was tired of missing so many family events because I didn't want to be asked about girlfriends, marriage, children.  Those family events meant the world to me.  They represented who I was, where I came from, and who I belonged to.  And now I wasn't able to attend for fear of being asked those impossible questions.  I felt uprooted and lost.  I missed so many years with my family--10 years to be exact.  I spent those years partying, drinking, hanging out with my "new family"--my friends and just being destructive.  I spent those years fighting with my parents/sister and searching for some type of affection.

You know, this is why the gays are so promiscuous.   You have to hide from your family and your closest friends everyday.  You long for the companionship and affection that all of your friends have with the opposite sex.  You fake it with girls you are "dating" that are acceptable to your friends and family.  You get close to women (fag hags) so that your family and friends think, for a short time, that maybe you are dating someone.  You spend those lonely nights just looking for some type of affection.  You find it at a club, on the streets around the club or wherever you can.  You have sex wherever you can and then run back to your life of hiding.  All of the gays do this; it is part of being in the closet. 

Looking back at those sexual encounter makes me sad.  I used to think that I was such a badass because I could have sex with a different guy every night if I wanted to.   Sometimes I did.  Now I look at those days with sadness because I was so not happy with who I was and what I was doing.  I wanted to be able to date someone, have my family and friends meet him and accept him.  I thought this would never happen.  

It has happened for me so why am I so upset?

I am upset because regardless of how accepted I am by my family and friends I will not be accepted by my country, state, or church.  

As I went through my late teens I thought I would hide my homosexuality for my whole life and never let anyone find out about this horrible secret.  I obviously didn't do that.  I have also really resigned myself about the the whole "marriage" issue. I don't need to get married to show my love for R.  We don't need to do that for anyone.  We know how much we love each other.  If my country and my state allowed gay marriage then I would do it but since it doesn't I won't. Really, what is the point.  I do believe that in my lifetime I will see gay marriage realized. I may be in a diaper sitting in my own shit but I do believe it will happen.  Sooooooo, the only thing I had left was my belief that God still loved me and that I was accepted by Him.  My mother's statements, innocent as they were, really have shaken me to the core of who I am, or was.    

I was raised to believe in heaven and hell. I was raised to believe that God is loving and forgiving.  I was raised to believe that you have be good and receive communion to one day have your place by His side in heaven.  That is the foundation with which I was raised.  My mother told me, that since I am gay I cannot receive communion.  So if you follow the logic...since I cannot receive communion then I will not have a place in heaven.  

I am so confused and heartbroken right now. I just really don't know what to feel or what to believe.  

Wow, puking, diarrhea of the butt and now of the mouth too!  Well maybe of my fingers since I typed it.  This is just a preview of what is in my head right now.  I am not ready to talk about this yet.  I am not ready to go to counseling, I thought I was but it was a disaster.  I will go back because I know I need to but just not today.  I need to sort out all of the thoughts I have in my head.  I just told another one of my closest friends this past weekend and it is getting easier.  It is my second coming out.