Saturday, July 26, 2008

Ask me why I'm smiling today...

'Cause I don't have teeth like this guy. No, no.....I'm happy. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and they ran my A1C test (cheat test). When I first went to them, after my surgery, I was in pretty bad shape. I was at 11.5 and that is just too high. That means my glucose readings were in the high 200's and uncontrolled. I was sick all the time, my vision was bad, I had to pee every hour and I was constantly thirsty. They set a goal for me to at least be at a 7 and I figured I would be lucky to get down to an 8. But it was 6.1!! Do you have any idea how incredibly awesome that is for me? I broke down in tears in her office because I couldn't believe I could actually do it. I really thought to myself that all this eating better and working out wouldn't make that big a difference but it did and I think I broke down because for once in my life I set a goal for myself and actually hit it.

She was pleased that I made the right call to remove myself off the insulin once I started the meds and my glucose levels have been great. She told me that 90% of people, once they start the meds, gain weight but that I have dropped at every visit and actually beat the odds. There was nothing but good news for me and I couldn't wait to share my news with my loved ones. I was so afraid that all this hard work would be for nothing and once again I would be disappointed. I was working out at the gym this morning and could not stop grinning. This has motivated me even more and no matter how many compliments people pay me, none of it matters to me. My ultimate goal is to improve my health not just to lose weight. I can't wait to call my mom today and tell her because she more than anyone understands how important this is. Her mom died due to type 2 diabetes because she never controlled it and I know this is always on her mind.

This is the best high and I may not stop smiling all weekend...


Monday, July 7, 2008

I hate that whore!

I so know the bitch that is food. I love that whore! Today was the worst day of my life; well it really sucked, I guess I have had worst days but this one was up there! I love to eat when I am stressed or had a bad day. Today I so had a bad day. All morning long I thought about which slut I would have: hamburger, pasta, donuts, or maybe Mexican food. I was so ready for it. I got so busy that I missed lunch and decided to just wait to eat until after my 2pm meeting. After my meeting I was even more stressed. Instead of eating I decided to never eat again. (This is the hate part of food) Don't worry it won't last long. If it did I would so be anorexic and thin right now. Sadly, I am neither. I can't even stick to my hatred of the whore I know as food. I then remember my other butt, whore addiction....SHOES. I so feel better when I buy shoes. I rushed to my favorite shoe brothel and spent an hour trying on many shoes. It was great. I finally settled on 15 pairs of shoes but didnt know how R would feel about me buying $600 on shoes. Sigh...I only bought two. I will go back and get more though!!! I love the cunt that is shoes. She doesn't make me gain any weight or feel guilty after fucking her, the way I do with the crackwhore that is food. YEA SHOES! BOOOO FOOD.

Food is such a cold hearted bitch

H and I have our daily struggles. That is fairly obvious with this blog. While we follow different paths with different challenges; there is one path we walk together and that is our relationship with food. To put it kindly - food and I have a tumultuous relationship. If food were a real person I would not be friends with it. It is a love hate relationship with food having mutual feelings I'm sure. I love to eat. Food tastes sooo good, it comforts me when I am feeling down, it brings people together at family functions, it celebrates our milestones (who doesn't have birthday cake?), it rewards us on special occasions and it sustains our daily lives.

Yet it is the source of my frustration and pain on more occasions than I care to admit. I long for it at times, like a long lost love that has left me broken hearted. It leads me down a dark path with temptation. It makes me promises it never keeps (just taste me, that will satisfy your craving!) It disappoints me again and again yet I keep letting it back in my life thinking this time will be different. Food is like a past lover that never lets go of your heart.

Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with food? Probably not, it will always be the monkey on my back. The only power I have is over myself. This is just one more thing I will have to learn to deal with on a daily basis much like my diabetes. It's there and it 'aint going nowhere so I need to learn to get along with it. Until I conquer this fear/hatred/love that I have for food I will never be able to put it in the past with all those other old lovers I eventually got over.

While I have no doubt I will remain strong I also know I will stumble and fall every so often and that is okay too. At least I don't walk this path alone and I have people who will help me get up when I do fall. After all, those past lovers don't hold a candle to Big Red and look what a healthy and happy relationship I am in now. Sigh...perhaps food and I will end up holding hands and skipping off in to the sunset. If I don't end up cutting out it's cold, dead heart and burying it first. :-)