Thursday, October 7, 2010

Keep moving on

So here I am again, sitting in my office after the 2nd crying session in a week. It's been three weeks since my boss passed away and just when I think I am over it, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I miss her easy going nature and maternal aura she exuded. She never got upset or mad and never stressed about anything here. I don't know how she did it with so many interruptions and pressures on her while keeping a smile on her face. I miss her stories about her family or her ridiculously inappropriate remarks. Funny how something that seemed so wrong before now seems perfectly normal.

I am not handling it quite as well as she did. I think the sadness has been replaced by guilt. I feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed with work and anxious about the audit coming up next week. I feel like I am stuck in a swimming pool filled with jello and barely keeping my head above the line. The piles on my desk get bigger and my patience gets shorter. I feel like I have no one here to rely on including the finance assistant. It's tough to take the limited time I have to train her on things when it would just be faster to do it myself. Some of these things are complex and she is not an accountant. Hell, I can't even figure out some of these worksheets myself so how could I possibly explain them to her. So I continue to tread water and assume everything will settle after the audit.

I would like to think most people here think I am capable and put together but the truth is I don't feel that way lately. I am starting to hate that persona. Part of me just wants to fall apart and walk away but the bigger part of me just pushes that away and continues to function like I always have. I hate that I feel guilty for feeling that way when someone is gone and never coming back. I feel a deep hole of sadness when I come across something that reminds me of her and if I am alone I let it wash over me and consume me. When do I not stop wondering how her kids are doing or if it was found sooner would things be different?

H is right, maybe I do need medication...just to take the edge off this anxiety and stress. Time to put myself back together and jump back in. Life goes on, right?