Saturday, February 28, 2009

Birthdays, alcohol and gifts...oh my.

Well some of us have grown another year older yet not wiser as you can tell by the picture. It was Fast Eddies birthday and we celebrated by taking a half day off work and having a liquid lunch. Here is Fast Eddie at the start of a festive lunch.

Little Jewish R got the Jesus shirt, H got the grumpy shirt but notice how you don't see my gift? He got me a cookie jar with Morehead College on it...More Head, get it?? Sigh....oh Eddie. He also got us all bubble swords and vowed to take all sorts of funny pictures with them but once we started drinking, well you know how that goes.

Here is my reaction to the lewdly suggestive cookie jar...
Don't you love how I didn't know how to set the date on my camera so it looks like the pictures are 5 years old? Never said I was a technological genius.

Wow look at all those gorgeous couples... Fast Eddie and his newest girlfriend, Gay R and Stephan, H and Monkey Boy, and lastly Michelle and her man. (we were beginning to doubt his existence) Notice I am not in a couple, please refer to my picture above to see my reaction to that as well.

It was fun and we had some laughs. We may have to make half day birthday lunches a regular thing because here was Fast Eddie at the end of his lunch. So sad.


Friday, February 27, 2009

Collection Agency

I am not a collector by nature and I confess I don’t really understand why people do. If it’s a collection you use often like dishes, workout gear, men then I get it, but what if it’s just stuff…cows, butterflies, stuffed animals? What purpose does it serve? What if someone decorates their whole house in it like the crazy McDonald's lady or the insane Pez guy? Do you come over and instead of letting out a horrifying gasp do you smile and compliment their taste?

Sometimes it is just one gift that starts the ball rolling. This happened to my mom with crystal. One year my dad gave her a little crystal rose and she oooh and aaaahed over it and 10 years later…crystal out the wazoo! What are we gonna get mom this year? Well she likes crystal, right? How about this crystal frog because who doesn’t need one of those? I won’t even get started on my husband’s shot glass collection and no, we do not sit around every night taking shots of tequila. This would be why we have three boxes of said shot glasses in the attic.

I’m nothing if not observant and I learned to speak up after witnessing the great crystal debacle. In the very beginning of my relationship with my hubby, I made the comment that he reminded me of Winnie the Pooh because of his name. He thought it was funny and proceeded to buy me a stuffed pooh bear, pooh watch, pooh earrings and pooh sweatshirt…all for our first Christmas together.

Now as we were in the infant stages of our relationship most people would just grin and bear it (bear as in pooh bear, get it…pun intended). As you have guessed I am not most people and I felt now would be the appropriate time to share my collector’s theory. Look, who doesn’t have love for Winnie the Pooh? But my love for pooh bear has a limit and this was it. Honesty is always the best policy in such situations, don’t you agree? What if I hadn’t been honest and 12 years later I’m still getting Winnie the Pooh? My mom and I could sit around and dust our collections and relive each holiday by discussing who gave us what.


Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday morning and feeling fine.

Yes, it's Monday again. It's Monday every week. I suppose the alternative of never having Monday again would be bad. It is a cold Monday morning and my fingers are frozen. I don't mind the cold weather and I don't mind the hot weather but I do mind when Mother Nature can't seem to decide which to be. Pick a season, please.

I watched the first hour of the Oscars and it was interesting but I wasn't emotionally invested in any of the movies so the outcome didn't much matter to me. I liked the presentation for best supporting actress, having 5 past winners come out to present, it was interesting.

What was up with Jessica Biel's dress though? It looked like she had an extra napkin in the front. Also, Beyonce? Suffering from over exposure, turn down a gig once in a while and give me a chance to miss ya, okay? One more thing, if you're a singer, you should

I thought Ben Stiller's impression of Joaquin Phoenix was hysterical which is ironic because I don't think Ben Stiller is very funny. My poor husband didn't see the Letterman interview so he didn't know Ben Stiller was spoofing Joaquin Phoenix which made it even funnier to me. And Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto...made me laugh out loud!

Had a low key and relaxing weekend which I really needed. I napped, watched movies, cooked out, and laughed a lot. How could it have been any better? One more thing, didn't think my husband read this blog but turns out...yeah he does. He went back and read the WHOLE blog from the beginning and discovered I knew about the pink Ipod and never told him. Love you babe! (talking to Big Red, not you H)


Friday, February 20, 2009

Yin or Yang?

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

Winston Churchill

I read a very interesting article in O today that made me go hmmmm. This doesn't often happen but I saw myself in this article and it was my aha moment, if I am going to quote Oprah. It was an article on being a defensive pessimist and I knew I had found a name for my condition.

I have often said I am the half glass empty girl (defensive pessimist) and that my husband is the half glass full guy (strategic optimist). Allow me to expound on this further with an example. Three years ago when my husband wanted to interview with a brand new company in town, I was worried. I didn't want him to leave the job he had been at for 5 years because he was making good money and was on his way up. This new company had thousands of people who were lining up to apply so I thought, why bother? I worried about our finances, stability, competition, etc... My husband on the other hand walked through all the interviews full of confidence actually planning on how great this was going to be for us. He didn't worry that thousands of other people were going through the same process because he was not only going to get an offer but he was going to move up the corporate ladder with his abilities.

This is the perfect example of how we are so opposite and why our relationship works for us. A defensive pessimist plans for the worst out of fear. This is how I manage my anxiety and worry, to avoid setting myself up for disappointment. I prepare for situations by setting low expectations for myself because I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed. The strategic optimist not only thinks everything will end on a positive note but makes plans based on this outcome. Come to find out, this is actually a healthy thing. WOW. It may be surprising to some that this could work but we not only appreciate these difference in one another but we feel it balances us out.

After I shared this article with my husband we were able to go back and pinpoint many instances when this was true and it blew my mind. I think this was a good learning opportunity for me. I will always be the one who points out that while a cloud has a silver lining it is still a cloud and may or may not rain on you. I will always have contingency plans in place for every catastrophic event (aliens invading) because that is just who I am, it comes with being anal. Can I manage to be more like my husband and be more optimistic? I try to be for him even when I don't always believe it myself but hope springs eternal. See? Now that's optimism...


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Girl, you're in danger! (again)

Did you read that story about the flaming ball that witnesses say fell from the sky near Austin? People went looking for it to see what it was. What the? This is just something I would never do, I would just report it and move on. So this coupled with seeing snippets from an alien movie this weekend got me to thinking and I decided to make this list.

Things I have learned NOT to do from watching alien/sci-fi movies:

• Never attend an End of the World/Welcome Aliens party. Self-absorbed party goers are always the first ones blown up because even aliens recognize stupidity.

• If you see a flaming ball of fire fall from the sky, do not go investigate. It will turn out to be a crashing spaceship of alien probes that will either pass on some flesh eating virus or vaporize you on sight leaving just your clothes behind.

• If I suspect someone I know has been taken over by an alien, I will not let on that I know. I will continue on like normal while I quietly ease out of their presence. I will then pass this information on to the nearest National Guard while I forget I ever knew this person existed.

• If there is a child/animal/friend/pitiful stranger in danger I will not go back to save them. I am not a self sacrificing martyr but a confirmed coward. I will chalk you up to toast and save my own ass, it’s nothing personal.

• If the government ever makes an announcement not to panic, I will not believe them. When the government denies any danger, you better run for your life.

• When, not if, aliens finally do make it to earth I will not follow all the people leaving my town. I will travel in the opposite direction because everyone will just be sitting in traffic that never moves. I hate traffic so much that I do not wish to spend my final moments, gasping my last breath, stuck in traffic behind some asshole.

• If I am the last human being left on earth I will not be their guinea pig/informant. No one who ever crosses to the dark side lives a peaceful existence. I will subtly swallow cyanide tablets that I keep hidden in my sleeve for just such an occasion. I’m sure on this point God will forgive me. Now that I think about it why would they even want me? I’m not a doctor, important to national security or a woman of child bearing age; therefore I would be useless to them.

Perhaps I have spent too much time watching Independence Day, Alien, and Cloverfield. Maybe someday this will be useful to me the way Survivorman is useful to a person lost in the wild. I hope to never know but if it does happen, don’t come looking for me. I’ll be long gone.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen...

Please allow me to introduce you to Max's latest love...Kirby the blue blob. May Hildy the Hedgehog rest in peace. Lord, please let this one last longer than all the rest. We may have to take out a second mortgage to keep Max in his toys.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Wii that was fun!

We celebrated Valentine's Day like all mature adult couples do and had a Wii party and it was a blast!

Here is Mother Theresa doing her best hula hooping much to our delight. I love how bored her husband looks in the background.

Monkey Boy trying to outdo MT but I love the background faces better. Michelle is doing her best impression of the kid from Home Alone.

Mother Theresa and H grooving to some 80's song while they were doing the robot dance. Actually I think they were playing baseball?

Here is Monkey Boy, H and I looking at the the Wii bowling screen like we have never seen the inside of a bowling alley and have no idea what to do. At this point it may have been the alcohol.

And the now infamous black socks/brown sandals that may or may not have made some of us sick.

H was either frisking Mother Theresa for money or molesting her in ways we don't need to talk about here. A picture really is worth a million dollars isn't it? We may need this one for the lawsuit.

It was so much fun and you can tell by the changing date on the pics that the party lasted until the next morning. I believe H actually went to bed because we were the guests that never left. I have to mention how good the food was. H and Monkey Boy are the Martha Stewart's of our group so while I brought chips and dips and teriyaki meatballs they made shrimp and bread with two different oils and all the dishes matched! I'm a paper plate girl myself but the spread was awesome. Aside from the horny dog that kept wanting to hump us and eating too much food, it was a great success. We will have another Wii party with the people who couldn't come 'cause this shit is too fun to not share.


Why I love Miranda Priestly by K

I think I've got these looks down well by now. I love Miranda for all her memorable quotes:

Details of your incompetence do not interest me.

I said to myself, take a chance...hire the smart, fat girl.

Is there some reason my coffee isn't here? Has she died or something?

No, no...that wasn't a question. (as she looks at Andy up and down)

Please bore someone else with your questions.

That's all. (looking over her glasses)

My favorite line by Emily: I rarely say this to people who aren't me, but you have got to calm down! Bloody Hell!

Can you tell I have seen this movie a dozen times? I watch it every time it comes on TV yet I still do not own it. How is this posssible? It ranks right up there with When Harry Met Sally and Love Actually. Why on earth did I become an accountant?


By all means move at a glacial pace, you know how that thrills me.

I loved Meryl Street in The Devil Wears Prada, I want to be Miranda Priestly. Oh she exists, my friend, in some form, somewhere. And who doesn't love Stanley Tucci in this role? Why can't H be more like him in real life?

It's been a busy week and we are back to Monday. How do we always end up here? Why can't I ever blog on a Tuesday or a Friday? First on my list of usual random postings is the denouncement of Jesus by our friend, R. Yes, last Thursday was his Jewish conversion ceremony that frankly I'm surprised we were invited to. We had many jokes saved up for the occasion but once you're in the temple, it's hard to be funny. It was a beautiful ceremony and R seemed happy and at peace finally. He has been in search of love and acceptance his whole life and he has finally found it. I decided not to wear my Jesus loves you T-shirt since I didn't want to be stoned to death. We took it seriously and gave him a nice card and gift but being Kugo we did put "It was nice knowing you" signed Jesus in the card. I'm sure he would have been disappointed had we not. Then he and his boyfriend jetted off to Santa Fe, where all converted Jews go to after their conversion ceremony??

Valentines Day was good, it always is. Went over to visit my parents and in walks my mom with a wig! What?! This was my dad's gift to her, how romantic. I admit it looked cute on her but it wasn't my mom. She can't be changing up her appearance like that without warning, she's my mom!! Next thing you know they'll be going out dancing and adopting some child from China...craziness. My dad got a little competitive 'cause I brought her white roses and he had given her red roses. Whose roses do you think she displayed for all to see in a pretty vase in the living room and whose roses got put in a jar on the kitchen table? I WON! My dad and I always joke around like this but I think my mom really does put her kids further up on the food chain. Isn't this what mom's do?

We also had a Wii party but since I have yet to download the pics, I will write about that later. H is out sick from too much Wii, alcohol poisoning or wearing black socks with brown sandals that night. Actually I'm feeling a little sick myself just thinking about it.


Monday, February 9, 2009

Here Ya Go!

We have so much fucking fun! Even pretzels become a source of comedy!

Really, cut off? Why?

Ok, so all of you may be shocked to find out that I am a homosexual. Yes, gay. So I have always loved to give my speech about being born this way...why would I chose to be ridiculed... why would I chose to have to use lube...etc. It is a good speech, I will have to post it one day. Maybe I have in a drunken haze, who knows, check it out.
Lately, I have been curious about the trannies. Transgender. OK, THIS CANNOT be a choice! Who would chose such a thing? Why would you chose to take hormones, go through so much counseling, and have countless surgeries! OH, who would chose to duct tape your balls and dicks? How do you duct tape your balls and dick without ripping all kinds of important stuff off? Do you put something between you and the tape? So many questions! THIS is why I need a tranny. It is my mission to find one to ask all of these questions and more. I went to craigslist but it is full of horny old men! I bookmarked it though, a girl never knows!
Anyway, I need help finding a tranny. Please help!
Rupaul's new Logo show, Rupaul's Drag Race is the reason this got in my head. Check it out, it is hilarious! 

Hold the phone!

Okay, I just noticed the new picture (cause I'm observant that way) and WTH? H also posed as a walrus but you don't see his picture up there do you? H is the one who brought in the 2 million pretzel sticks that R packed in his lunch! Can I help it if this is what we do during our lunch hour? Come next Monday there will be a new picture here come hell or high water! With both fools this time!!


Monday Morning Mumbles

Welcome to another episode of random Monday morning posts with your host K. Today our topic of conversation will be mixed as all Monday morning posts are. The first thing on the top of my head...Lady Gaga. What a name and who knew she wasn't black? The song is about being drunk and stupid? Why doesn't she sing about the dangers of being that drunk at a club where some random guy can slip some date rape drug in your drink? Or praying to the porcelain gods in the ladies bathroom and passing out on the urine stained floor? Or waking up the next morning with a hairy tongue and not being able to do anything but lie in bed and bitch about how your head hurts? That is really what happens when you're so drunk at a club that you lose your phone. All that said, I kinda like that song but will be sick of it in a minute.

The Grammy's? Didn't see them. When I was a teenager I would plan my whole night around award shows (YES THEY HAD T.V. BACK THEN!). Grammy's, American Music Awards, MTV awards, Just give me the condensed version, the best and worst moments, the highs and the lows but mostly the most embarrassing moments only, please. I did switch channels and caught the Jonas Brothers and had to immediately change it because I'm over the age limit to legally enjoy them. Do you think our parents thought the same thing when they ran across New Kids on the Block? Not that I was ever a fan of NKTB but I was trying to think of something relevant back then. Though I will tell you that H and I know someone older than us(who shall remain nameless) who has a crush on the Jonas Brothers. No one has ever accused this woman of having taste let alone good taste.

Can I just address one of my brothers calling my home last night at 10 p.m. and leaving a message on my machine (because I was asleep on a Sunday night) and asking why I wasn't picking up the phone. Then calling my cell phone and not only stating the time (so he knew) but again asking why I wasn't awake and taking his call. Now he acknowledged the fact that he is in Hawaii and they are 4 hours behind so it's not like he didn't know it was late at night when he called. I think it's the general puzzlement and cluelessness(is this even a real word?) in his voice that made me laugh. The three of us (out of 12)grand kids are trying to plan this family reunion. Getting the three of us on the phone at the same time is impossibly frustrating. Now I know why e-mail is king.


Saturday, February 7, 2009

To set the record straight...

I truly dislike the song I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. There is nothing appealing about that song. It is boring and monotonous. I change the station every time I hear the first note play. UGH!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Just listen to the words...Don't hate...

This is my song to R.

I'm Free!

It has been some time since I have sat and had a real entry.  Today is the day!  Sit back, relax, and hang on!  Seriously, I don't know how provocative my entry will be--I know for sure it won't be a rant!  
Ok, so in February 2008 I started taking  anxiety medication and in April 2008 I started on anti-depressants.  This was a time of huge failure for me; a very crappy time. 
Flash forward to February 2009 and I am glad to say that I am completely off medications.  I haven't taken anxiety medication for about 7 weeks and I haven't taken the happy pill for over three weeks.  I feel so good and do not miss it one bit.  I have been able to handle all of the stress and crap at work with ease. 
The source of all of my anxiety and depression was Catholicism. I was raised Catholic and I loved all that meant.  I won't sit and recount all of that shit but look at posts from last year to catch up if you must.  
I have decided that religion is just not for me.  I am so over the whole thing.  As a Christian you are taught to love and forgive everyone (except for all the gays, whores, and anyone who doesn't share the exact same values).  Is that really what God wanted?  I say no.  I say that if you believe in God, are good to yourself and those around you will be seen in a positive light.  If you treat others with respect you too will be treated with respect.  It is so simple to type but it was so hard for me to accept.  It was hard to rid myself of 37 years of Catholicism.  I sometimes miss the feeling of going to mass on Sunday and being part of the history and rituals.  I have accepted that the Catholic church has no place for me and I am ok with that.  I know that this whole gay thing was not something I chose; it was a gift from God.  

You ever feel like someone is watching you?

H and I once did a stakeout on one of our friends. It was a Friday night and we wanted to do something different than the usual bar hopping. This friend, let's call him Spider, was dating a new guy that we still had not met. So we picked up some Mike's Hard Lemonade and did surveillance on Spider's new guy. We parked in the apartment complex and waited for them to come out. You know the hardest part of a stakeout? No bathrooms. When you're drinking and laughing so hard you want to pee your pants, this can be a problem. They eventually came out, got in their car and drove right towards us. H's car has these great reclining seats that are automatic but slooooooow. It's hard to put your seat back quickly in a situation like this. To this day we still haven't told spider that we did this even though he would find it funny. They are still together, much to my amazement. Perhaps we'll tell him on their wedding day or commitment ceremony day since gay marriage is still not legal.

I think we'd do another stakeout because we had so much fun. The only thing I'd change is to borrow another car, bring food and park close to a bathroom.