Monday, June 30, 2008

I don't want to!

Ok, so I just don't want to write in this blog because I would have to write about what is on the top of my mind.  On the top of my mind is that I am depressed, unmotivated, and just out of it.   It feels weird having all of the thoughts at age 37!  I really should have had all of these realizations about 15 years ago.  
I was raised as a Catholic.  ALL of my family is Catholic and attends church.  My grandparents would host prayer groups, Posadas during Christmas (recreation of Mary and Joseph looking for lodging before Jesus' birth), weekly they would have local priests over to their home for dinner, and on and on.  One of my fondest memories was the Christmas that it was finally my turn to put out the baby Jesus during the huge Christmas Eve party.  Every year a different grandchild was given the honor of unwrapping baby Jesus and putting Him in His rightful place in the Nativity.  Many of my childhood memories revolve around some religious holiday or church event. I was even born on a "very important religious holiday"--Immaculate Conception.  Every birthday I would hear, "You know you were born on a very important day, right" at least 20 times.  
Fast forward to my 30th year and you will see me coming out to my parents because I was tired of hiding who I really was.  I was tired of missing so many family events because I didn't want to be asked about girlfriends, marriage, children.  Those family events meant the world to me.  They represented who I was, where I came from, and who I belonged to.  And now I wasn't able to attend for fear of being asked those impossible questions.  I felt uprooted and lost.  I missed so many years with my family--10 years to be exact.  I spent those years partying, drinking, hanging out with my "new family"--my friends and just being destructive.  I spent those years fighting with my parents/sister and searching for some type of affection.
You know, this is why the gays are so promiscuous.   You have to hide from your family and your closest friends everyday.  You long for the companionship and affection that all of your friends have with the opposite sex.  You fake it with girls you are "dating" that are acceptable to your friends and family.  You get close to women (fag hags) so that your family and friends think, for a short time, that maybe you are dating someone.  You spend those lonely nights just looking for some type of affection.  You find it at a club, on the streets around the club or wherever you can.  You have sex wherever you can and then run back to your life of hiding.  All of the gays do this; it is part of being in the closet. 
Looking back at those sexual encounter makes me sad.  I used to think that I was such a badass because I could have sex with a different guy every night if I wanted to.   Sometimes I did.  Now I look at those days with sadness because I was so not happy with who I was and what I was doing.  I wanted to be able to date someone, have my family and friends meet him and accept him.  I thought this would never happen.  
It has happened for me so why am I so upset?
I am upset because regardless of how accepted I am by my family and friends I will not be accepted by my country, state, or church.  
As I went through my late teens I thought I would hide my homosexuality for my whole life and never let anyone find out about this horrible secret.  I obviously didn't do that.  I have also really resigned myself about the the whole "marriage" issue. I don't need to get married to show my love for R.  We don't need to do that for anyone.  We know how much we love each other.  If my country and my state allowed gay marriage then I would do it but since it doesn't I won't. Really, what is the point.  I do believe that in my lifetime I will see gay marriage realized. I may be in a diaper sitting in my own shit but I do believe it will happen.  Sooooooo, the only thing I had left was my belief that God still loved me and that I was accepted by Him.  My mother's statements, innocent as they were, really have shaken me to the core of who I am, or was.    
I was raised to believe in heaven and hell. I was raised to believe that God is loving and forgiving.  I was raised to believe that you have be good and receive communion to one day have your place by His side in heaven.  That is the foundation with which I was raised.  My mother told me, that since I am gay I cannot receive communion.  So if you follow the logic...since I cannot receive communion then I will not have a place in heaven.  
I am so confused and heartbroken right now. I just really don't know what to feel or what to believe.  
Wow, puking, diarrhea of the butt and now of the mouth too!  Well maybe of my fingers since I typed it.  This is just a preview of what is in my head right now.  I am not ready to talk about this yet.  I am not ready to go to counseling, I thought I was but it was a disaster.  I will go back because I know I need to but just not today.  I need to sort out all of the thoughts I have in my head.  I just told another one of my closest friends this past weekend and it is getting easier.  It is my second coming out.    

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