Oh no, the horror...

It has been nearly two weeks since I went through the change. I finally did it! I still cannot believe that I had the courage to do. I never thought I would do it. I can finally say that I am much happier living my life this way now. I really don't care what my family, friends or co-workers think about it.

Most have been supportive and have offered words of encouragement. Some people broke down in tears when they first saw me. They stared at me with their mouths hanging wide open. One person covered her mouth and shook her head while she mumbled, "no, no, no, I can't believe it." One person stared at me and began to cry, she gingerly hugged me and then walked away.

I was even pulled into an office to be lectured to not go out and cheat on Monkey R. Apparently this change, in their eyes, will lead me to become a slut and sleep around. What the fuck is wrong with these people?!

Who would have thought that finally deciding that I had lost enough weight to tuck my shirt in would cause such reactions. Get a grip people, it's not like I had a sex change!

H

Beyonce had the best video of all time!

Why does K feel that she needs to call me out every three months?! She has to point out that I do not blog as much as she does. Can I just say that I am her muse. I am the inspiration and the wind beneath her wings. I inspire her to write witty entries. Soooo...

I will give you the short version of where I have been. Eight weeks ago I got sick and had a bad case of gastritis. It doesn't mean I had gas; look it up. I had been eating like it was going out of style. I ate whatever I wanted and I had no desire to exercise. I lost 7 pounds in three days from not being able to keep anything down or in. I was forced to eat a bland diet. Really Bland! No spices whatsoever!

I have now lost about 37 pounds and am exercising everyday. I got up early today and did two miles on my treadmill and I plan to exercise again tonight. I feel great!

I has been a long process to get to this point and I am still a bit fucked up about my feelings about food but I am working on it. More about that later...

This is some strong ass coffee.

I stopped at a new coffee house this morning because they serve Seattle's Best Coffee. I miss Seattle and this is another reminder of one of my favorite cities. When Big Red and I were in our long distance relationship phase, he used to stop every morning for coffee while we chatted on the phone so this is more of a nice memory for me. I've added my creamer and Splenda but this is still some strong coffee. Maybe I'm just used to the weak coffee here at work, which I kind of like. I'm not a die hard coffee fan like some people here, I just like that it gives me energy while providing a nice, smooth taste.

Okay, so yesterday was not one of my better days. I called in fat. When I looked in the mirror, I felt like Jabba the Hut, thus the picture. When I got home my husband was waiting with a big hug and asked what he could do to help me. There wasn't anything he could do for me that he wasn't already doing. I have to take care of myself, end of story. We went for a walk and we ate lunch together before he left for work, so the day wasn't a total loss. It actually turned out to be a good day after all. I also worked out and felt much better. Why is it so much easier to take the easy road? I realize there are going to be good days and bad days but all I ask is the good outnumber the bad. Is that really too much to ask?

I had lunch with Little Gay R last week and we were having a conversation about the local farmers market. You know what he told me? He said "There are other things at the farmers market besides fruits and vegetables, for instance mushrooms." Yes, he said mushrooms. Which would imply that either he didn't realize a mushroom was a vegetable or he does, in fact, consider it a meat. Now I realize that mushrooms are technically a fungus but they are considered a vegetable for cooking, so I think I'm right. Either way, I laughed so hard, I cried. Good times.

K

What the...did you just call me fat?

I mean, I am but you couldn't just say no? Really, I just need your confirmation that I look okay and not like the Goodyear Blimp because if I do look like the Hindenburg, I'm pretty sure I would see that. Don't you hate when you ask someone if the clothes you are wearing make you look fat and they come back with "They don't make you look that fat". Oh...okay, so they only make me look a little fat because a little fat isn't that bad.

Note to self: Stop asking people for their opinion because I may not like it. Only ask my loyal but lying friends who feed my precious ego not the honest because it's funny friends. Or just lose weight.

K

I hate that whore!

I so know the bitch that is food. I love that whore! Today was the worst day of my life; well it really sucked, I guess I have had worst days but this one was up there! I love to eat when I am stressed or had a bad day. Today I so had a bad day. All morning long I thought about which slut I would have: hamburger, pasta, donuts, or maybe Mexican food. I was so ready for it. I got so busy that I missed lunch and decided to just wait to eat until after my 2pm meeting. After my meeting I was even more stressed. Instead of eating I decided to never eat again. (This is the hate part of food) Don't worry it won't last long. If it did I would so be anorexic and thin right now. Sadly, I am neither. I can't even stick to my hatred of the whore I know as food. I then remember my other butt, whore addiction....SHOES. I so feel better when I buy shoes. I rushed to my favorite shoe brothel and spent an hour trying on many shoes. It was great. I finally settled on 15 pairs of shoes but didnt know how R would feel about me buying $600 on shoes. Sigh...I only bought two. I will go back and get more though!!! I love the cunt that is shoes. She doesn't make me gain any weight or feel guilty after fucking her, the way I do with the crackwhore that is food. YEA SHOES! BOOOO FOOD.

I don't want to!

Ok, so I just don't want to write in this blog because I would have to write about what is on the top of my mind.  On the top of my mind is that I am depressed, unmotivated, and just out of it.   It feels weird having all of the thoughts at age 37!  I really should have had all of these realizations about 15 years ago.  

I was raised as a Catholic.  ALL of my family is Catholic and attends church.  My grandparents would host prayer groups, Posadas during Christmas (recreation of Mary and Joseph looking for lodging before Jesus' birth), weekly they would have local priests over to their home for dinner, and on and on.  One of my fondest memories was the Christmas that it was finally my turn to put out the baby Jesus during the huge Christmas Eve party.  Every year a different grandchild was given the honor of unwrapping baby Jesus and putting Him in His rightful place in the Nativity.  Many of my childhood memories revolve around some religious holiday or church event. I was even born on a "very important religious holiday"--Immaculate Conception.  Every birthday I would hear, "You know you were born on a very important day, right" at least 20 times.  

Fast forward to my 30th year and you will see me coming out to my parents because I was tired of hiding who I really was.  I was tired of missing so many family events because I didn't want to be asked about girlfriends, marriage, children.  Those family events meant the world to me.  They represented who I was, where I came from, and who I belonged to.  And now I wasn't able to attend for fear of being asked those impossible questions.  I felt uprooted and lost.  I missed so many years with my family--10 years to be exact.  I spent those years partying, drinking, hanging out with my "new family"--my friends and just being destructive.  I spent those years fighting with my parents/sister and searching for some type of affection.

You know, this is why the gays are so promiscuous.   You have to hide from your family and your closest friends everyday.  You long for the companionship and affection that all of your friends have with the opposite sex.  You fake it with girls you are "dating" that are acceptable to your friends and family.  You get close to women (fag hags) so that your family and friends think, for a short time, that maybe you are dating someone.  You spend those lonely nights just looking for some type of affection.  You find it at a club, on the streets around the club or wherever you can.  You have sex wherever you can and then run back to your life of hiding.  All of the gays do this; it is part of being in the closet. 

Looking back at those sexual encounter makes me sad.  I used to think that I was such a badass because I could have sex with a different guy every night if I wanted to.   Sometimes I did.  Now I look at those days with sadness because I was so not happy with who I was and what I was doing.  I wanted to be able to date someone, have my family and friends meet him and accept him.  I thought this would never happen.  

It has happened for me so why am I so upset?

I am upset because regardless of how accepted I am by my family and friends I will not be accepted by my country, state, or church.  

As I went through my late teens I thought I would hide my homosexuality for my whole life and never let anyone find out about this horrible secret.  I obviously didn't do that.  I have also really resigned myself about the the whole "marriage" issue. I don't need to get married to show my love for R.  We don't need to do that for anyone.  We know how much we love each other.  If my country and my state allowed gay marriage then I would do it but since it doesn't I won't. Really, what is the point.  I do believe that in my lifetime I will see gay marriage realized. I may be in a diaper sitting in my own shit but I do believe it will happen.  Sooooooo, the only thing I had left was my belief that God still loved me and that I was accepted by Him.  My mother's statements, innocent as they were, really have shaken me to the core of who I am, or was.    

I was raised to believe in heaven and hell. I was raised to believe that God is loving and forgiving.  I was raised to believe that you have be good and receive communion to one day have your place by His side in heaven.  That is the foundation with which I was raised.  My mother told me, that since I am gay I cannot receive communion.  So if you follow the logic...since I cannot receive communion then I will not have a place in heaven.  

I am so confused and heartbroken right now. I just really don't know what to feel or what to believe.  

Wow, puking, diarrhea of the butt and now of the mouth too!  Well maybe of my fingers since I typed it.  This is just a preview of what is in my head right now.  I am not ready to talk about this yet.  I am not ready to go to counseling, I thought I was but it was a disaster.  I will go back because I know I need to but just not today.  I need to sort out all of the thoughts I have in my head.  I just told another one of my closest friends this past weekend and it is getting easier.  It is my second coming out.    

I Just Wanna Get Down...

Not sure where and when this was said. Either way it is pretty funny...

i am fat AND out of shape...

Who the fuck knew that I was so fat and out of shape?!  I guess I sort of knew but have been in denial about it.  I was talking to a friend of mine last week and we discussed how each of us have gained some weight lately.  We both said we were stress eating.  What the fuck!  Why do I have to be a stress eater?  Why do I have to have stress in my life?  Anyway, so we both said, OK we are fat.  I accepted it late last week.  Thursday to be exact.  That was January 31st.  So this weekend we pulled out the carpet in our bedroom and closet.  We also pulled out the linoleum in the bathroom.  We then scrubbed all of the floor with baking soda, metal scrubby things, blades and sponges.  It took us a day and a half to finish.  I was soooo fucking sore.  I felt like I lifted weights for days.  Every tiny muscle in my body ached!  I could barely move.  When did I get so out of shape!  R was so funny.  He kept telling me not to feel so bad about my flabby state.  He kept telling me he was sore too. He is a fucking marathon runner!  It was nice of him to say.  Right now I am still a bit sore from my arms.  

We are going to start staining it today.  I am very excited that we have rid ourselves of that nasty carpet.  I hate/love that it made me realize that I am fat AND 

out of shape!