Monday, September 29, 2008

Draggin Ass

So today I didn’t go to work.  I felt ‘exhausted’.  I was dragging ass like Mariah Carey after Glitter came out in theatres.  Now I know why she was “hospitalized for exhaustion”.  It would be nice to be “hospitalized for exhaustion”.  It would be great to go to “rehab”.  That just means that she was fucking tired and needed a break. 

I get it; I totally needed a break today. I have worked for the last two Saturdays on top of long weeks and I am just tired. 


I know that my eating and exercising habits are contributing to my exhaustion.  I eat whatever I want, however much I want and do not exercise one bit.  I know; that totally sucks.  It really sucks because K is working out so hard and eating so well.  We are never on the same page at the same time.  WHY?! 


I just need to work on making myself happy.  I don’t really know how to do that.  I know that I would be happier if I could lose weight and be able to tuck my shirt in my pants.  Yes, that would make me happy!  Dressing up makes me happy.  Having good skin makes me happy.  What does that really say about me?  As I think about it I realize that those things are just what comes when I am healthy and loving myself.  I guess I really don’t love myself right now.  Why you ask? I don’t know. 

I think that I really have all that I could ask for.  I am not talking about only material things although I do have the material things that I want, so what am I lacking?  Not sure. 

I feel like I am grieving the loss of who I was when I was growing up.  I feel that I was never told it was ok to be something that wasn’t familiar and comfortable.  I think the opposite it true.  I think I was told that this is your past and this will be your future.  Don’t get me wrong; I did do plenty of things that are not in line with the way I was raised.  The whole man-butt thing is a biggie.  No pun intended, but he does have a big butt. 

What was I saying?

So I never felt that I could go live somewhere else besides this comfortable city near my hometown.  How would I be different if I had moved away for college or after college?  Who knows, you really can’t answer those questions.

I never felt that I could be anything but Catholic or a Democrat.  Why is that?  Fuck.

I am nearly 40 so I think I really need to stop looking at my past and trying to find a reason for all this bullshit.  I need to embrace who I am, who I love, what I believe in and who I have around me. I need to stop making excuses and take control of my future.  I need to gain back the confidence that I once had and stop hiding behind this big belly. 



One more question I can't answer...why the fuck does Mariah Carey insist on dressing like that?  It is not pretty.  Ugh. 

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