Love will prevail...

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Here Ya Go!

We have so much fucking fun! Even pretzels become a source of comedy!

Really, cut off? Why?

Ok, so all of you may be shocked to find out that I am a homosexual. Yes, gay. So I have always loved to give my speech about being born this way...why would I chose to be ridiculed... why would I chose to have to use lube...etc. It is a good speech, I will have to post it one day. Maybe I have in a drunken haze, who knows, check it out.
Lately, I have been curious about the trannies. Transgender. OK, THIS CANNOT be a choice! Who would chose such a thing? Why would you chose to take hormones, go through so much counseling, and have countless surgeries! OH, who would chose to duct tape your balls and dicks? How do you duct tape your balls and dick without ripping all kinds of important stuff off? Do you put something between you and the tape? So many questions! THIS is why I need a tranny. It is my mission to find one to ask all of these questions and more. I went to craigslist but it is full of horny old men! I bookmarked it though, a girl never knows!
Anyway, I need help finding a tranny. Please help!
Rupaul's new Logo show, Rupaul's Drag Race is the reason this got in my head. Check it out, it is hilarious! 
H

Hold the phone!

Okay, I just noticed the new picture (cause I'm observant that way) and WTH? H also posed as a walrus but you don't see his picture up there do you? H is the one who brought in the 2 million pretzel sticks that R packed in his lunch! Can I help it if this is what we do during our lunch hour? Come next Monday there will be a new picture here come hell or high water! With both fools this time!!

K

Monday Morning Mumbles

Welcome to another episode of random Monday morning posts with your host K. Today our topic of conversation will be mixed as all Monday morning posts are. The first thing on the top of my head...Lady Gaga. What a name and who knew she wasn't black? The song is about being drunk and stupid? Why doesn't she sing about the dangers of being that drunk at a club where some random guy can slip some date rape drug in your drink? Or praying to the porcelain gods in the ladies bathroom and passing out on the urine stained floor? Or waking up the next morning with a hairy tongue and not being able to do anything but lie in bed and bitch about how your head hurts? That is really what happens when you're so drunk at a club that you lose your phone. All that said, I kinda like that song but will be sick of it in a minute.

The Grammy's? Didn't see them. When I was a teenager I would plan my whole night around award shows (YES THEY HAD T.V. BACK THEN!). Grammy's, American Music Awards, MTV awards, etc...now? Just give me the condensed version, the best and worst moments, the highs and the lows but mostly the most embarrassing moments only, please. I did switch channels and caught the Jonas Brothers and had to immediately change it because I'm over the age limit to legally enjoy them. Do you think our parents thought the same thing when they ran across New Kids on the Block? Not that I was ever a fan of NKTB but I was trying to think of something relevant back then. Though I will tell you that H and I know someone older than us(who shall remain nameless) who has a crush on the Jonas Brothers. No one has ever accused this woman of having taste let alone good taste.

Can I just address one of my brothers calling my home last night at 10 p.m. and leaving a message on my machine (because I was asleep on a Sunday night) and asking why I wasn't picking up the phone. Then calling my cell phone and not only stating the time (so he knew) but again asking why I wasn't awake and taking his call. Now he acknowledged the fact that he is in Hawaii and they are 4 hours behind so it's not like he didn't know it was late at night when he called. I think it's the general puzzlement and cluelessness(is this even a real word?) in his voice that made me laugh. The three of us (out of 12)grand kids are trying to plan this family reunion. Getting the three of us on the phone at the same time is impossibly frustrating. Now I know why e-mail is king.

K

To set the record straight...

I truly dislike the song I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. There is nothing appealing about that song. It is boring and monotonous. I change the station every time I hear the first note play. UGH!

Just listen to the words...Don't hate...

This is my song to R.
H

I'm Free!

It has been some time since I have sat and had a real entry.  Today is the day!  Sit back, relax, and hang on!  Seriously, I don't know how provocative my entry will be--I know for sure it won't be a rant!  

Ok, so in February 2008 I started taking  anxiety medication and in April 2008 I started on anti-depressants.  This was a time of huge failure for me; a very crappy time. 

Flash forward to February 2009 and I am glad to say that I am completely off medications.  I haven't taken anxiety medication for about 7 weeks and I haven't taken the happy pill for over three weeks.  I feel so good and do not miss it one bit.  I have been able to handle all of the stress and crap at work with ease. 

The source of all of my anxiety and depression was Catholicism. I was raised Catholic and I loved all that meant.  I won't sit and recount all of that shit but look at posts from last year to catch up if you must.  

I have decided that religion is just not for me.  I am so over the whole thing.  As a Christian you are taught to love and forgive everyone (except for all the gays, whores, and anyone who doesn't share the exact same values).  Is that really what God wanted?  I say no.  I say that if you believe in God, are good to yourself and those around you will be seen in a positive light.  If you treat others with respect you too will be treated with respect.  It is so simple to type but it was so hard for me to accept.  It was hard to rid myself of 37 years of Catholicism.  I sometimes miss the feeling of going to mass on Sunday and being part of the history and rituals.  I have accepted that the Catholic church has no place for me and I am ok with that.  I know that this whole gay thing was not something I chose; it was a gift from God.  

You ever feel like someone is watching you?

H and I once did a stakeout on one of our friends. It was a Friday night and we wanted to do something different than the usual bar hopping. This friend, let's call him Spider, was dating a new guy that we still had not met. So we picked up some Mike's Hard Lemonade and did surveillance on Spider's new guy. We parked in the apartment complex and waited for them to come out. You know the hardest part of a stakeout? No bathrooms. When you're drinking and laughing so hard you want to pee your pants, this can be a problem. They eventually came out, got in their car and drove right towards us. H's car has these great reclining seats that are automatic but slooooooow. It's hard to put your seat back quickly in a situation like this. To this day we still haven't told spider that we did this even though he would find it funny. They are still together, much to my amazement. Perhaps we'll tell him on their wedding day or commitment ceremony day since gay marriage is still not legal.

I think we'd do another stakeout because we had so much fun. The only thing I'd change is to borrow another car, bring food and park close to a bathroom.

K

I love you. You love me too...right?

I read an article this morning about the moment every person in a new relationship dreads. When one of you is the first to say "I love you" and you hope they say it back. This woman said it first and he didn't say it back so she is now freaking out. Has this ever happened to you? I have to admit I have only said it first once. But I have been on the receiving end of it when I didn't feel the same. Let's call him O'Henry.

O'Henry was one of the relationships I had just because I had nothing else going on at the time. You know what I mean right? The just passing time guy? He was in the military and was transferred to San Diego from Hawaii after a couple of months of us dating. I figured it would wear itself out as most long distance relationships do in time. Who knew he would turn in to an obsessed stalker? At first I loved all the attention. Phone calls every day and cards and letters all the time. He used to clip out that little newspaper cartoon "Love is..." Remember those? The little chubby couple who always said something cute like "Love is...never having to say you're sorry."

Anyway, he also sent gifts and those always made me scratch my head. He would send a memento of dates we had like a stuffed dolphin for the time we went to Sea Life Park or a carved boat sculpture for the time we went on a dinner cruise. What? Why?

Now I am not a collector of stuff, never was and never will be. I consider stuff like that clutter and just don't like knick knacks. After I got the second box of stuff he called me to talk and that is when he pulled out the big guns and said the words. They totally took me by surprise because I didn't think we were moving in that direction. I mean he was gone, how far could this relationship go? I sort of giggled and told him that he was so sweet. He told me I didn't have to say it back and that in time it would come. I remember a switch going off in my brain and that is when he moved to the junk pile. My way of dealing with the junk pile was to stuff them in a closet and forget them. Who knew O'Henry would become more persistent ie: desperate?

Once I started avoiding him like the plague he would leave long messages on my answering machine and not just one but like seven in a row all within an hour. Psycho. We finally talked and I told him it was over and he seemed to be okay. Time moved on and two years later he sent me a letter out of the blue telling me he still thought about me and to write to him if I felt the same. Needless to say I never wrote. O'Henry wasn't the only relationship where I gave less than I received but again...thanks to my heartbreaking first love, I'm not sure if I ever gave 100% until I met my husband.

I know, I know...how did reading this article turn in to a post about an ex? I don't know, it just reminded me of that particular relationship. Sometimes I think it's good to examine old relationships because it makes me feel even stronger about the one I am currently in. I like to think I learn from past mistakes, isn't that human nature?

K

What?

So the building down the block burned down last night and we are now without phone service here at work. How those two are related I have no idea, I was hoping you could explain it to me. It feels weird sitting in my office with no phone and having to call people I don't know very well on my cell phone. What if I am missing the most important phone call of my life at work? What if the sweepstakes people only have my work number? What if a long lost love has the urgent need to profess his love for me and can only find my work number? What if everyone's cell phone dies and we need to call the police? Okay, now I'm just messing with my own head.

K

My usual Monday random post

It's Monday morning and I am currently on my first McDonald's coffee of the day. I know, you would think I am advertising McDonald's or Wii on this blog. Trust me if I could make some money this way, I would. Being an anal accountant I broke down my daily coffee intake and realized that I could save $390 a year if I just drank coffee at home. I hate being an over-analyzer; it brings me down sometimes. But we did buy a $200 Senseo coffee maker and yet I go out for coffee?

The weekend as usual was too short. While we did Wii this weekend, Red and I also managed to do the domestic tasks we never manage to get around to during the week. Laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, sex....I miss seeing my husband when he is on this shift. Girl got to get it where she can.

So we went to Costco to stock up and there was a Smart Car in the parking lot. I laughed and wondered, not for the first time, how much can you fit in to this car? I mean if the driver brought a friend, where would all the stuff go? You can't go to Costco and get one little thing, at least I can't. We thought about sitting and waiting to see but we had stuff to do!

I may have to take a break from the Wii, I woke up with tennis elbow. My right arm is a little achy and weak but damn if it wasn't fun. I laughed so hard that I couldn't catch my breath. My husband was hysterical when we played tennis doubles and now I am addicted to the Wii sports. We laughed and played so hard that the minute we won, we ran around the couch with our arms in the air and then ran to the bedroom and had victory sex. See?! I am getting a workout from Wii!

K

Wii

OMG!!

Wii FIT IS Wii FUCKING FUN!!!

I had a blast last night all by myself (with the blinds down of course).

Once it registered my weight the chart zoomed up to obese...obese. Ugh! Not just overweight...but obese! My BMI was 33%, WTF?! Aside from being too fat I loved it. The Yoga and strength training was hard but the aerobic and balance exercises were a blast. I haven't unlocked everything but I can't wait to do the hula hoop, tight rope and ski jump again...after I go to the gym after work. By the time 40 minutes was up I was dripping with sweat and laughing at myself. It measures your Wii fit age and I was at 49! It's a tragedy I tell ya. Obviously I have some work to do. Wii was totally worth the $10,000,000 we paid for it.

K

Wow, when did hell freeze over? If H wrote, hell must be a frozen tundra. I didn't even know H was still around, I heard he got a bus to gaytown and never looked back.

Today as I left work there was a beautiful crescent moon in the sky... a sign of good things to come. Today is Inauguration Day and I couldn't not, no wait that would be a double negative - could not be happier or more hopeful. I know we are in for a long struggle but at least help is on the way. I have faith and will remain optimistic. I wonder if this is how people felt when Bush took office? 6 months from now will I be the glass half empty girl? Sigh...I can't change my spots.

Big Red and I went out and bought Wii this weekend. I know, I know...I told H that Red and I are children with a bank account. Red finally hooked it up yesterday and what do you think I did from 5 to 9? I wasted 4 hours of my life playing a game and I loved it! We also bought Wii fit, did we hook that up yet? No. But I did go the gym yesterday and finally got back on the horse.

Okay, I have to go get some work done because I will be wasting most of my day watching President Obama take office on my computer. Well he won't be taking office "on" my computer but you know what I mean. I thought about calling out so I could witness this historic day but one: I don't have children to share it with so I would just be sitting in an old folks home some day spouting off about this day and all the other old people would be like "Shut up!" and H would turn to me and say "We all saw the dang blasted thing you old hag!". Two: I think I would just end up playing Wii all day and end up missing the whole shebang and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I really did end up playing Wii all day. I'd be too ashamed to admit it to anyone except H and Red. Even then that is really pushing it.

K

WHAT THE HELL!

K, what the hell is that stoopid slideshow on the right? Am I 83 years old? Am I dying? OMG, maybe I am Benjamin Button but I don't know it. NOOOOO, that is as stoopid as the slideshow to the right!!
POR QUE!?

h

Correction to my last post

ooops....heee heee....H just arrived with a large coffee from McDonald's. What I meant to say in my last post was H is my hero! For he's a jolly good fellow...

K

I almost died last night!

You ever have both your parents on the phone at the same time and you have to repeat everything you say? Oy Vey! Yesterday was their wedding anniversary, which my dad forgot about. When I called to wish them Happy 48 years my mom replied with "you're the only one who remembered". When my dad got on the other line they proceeded to argue which I had to listen to...I wanted to stick knives in my eardrums so I wouldn't have to listen anymore.

Anyway, they kept asking me why I was cutting out so much and I figured it was just their phone. So Big Red comes in to kiss me goodnight 'cause he had to go to work, and I notice the Internet is down as well. I check the cable and the guide isn't showing up either. It finally dawns on me that cable, phone and Internet is down and I am utterly alone with no means of communication!!! I immediately think some crackpot is outside the house cutting our cable line because he saw my husband leave and is waiting to attack me while my defenses are down. I knew someday I would meet a sticky end.

So instead of calling Time Warner Cable I decided to lock the dogs and myself in the bedroom and hide under the covers. It is approximately 8:03 and this is the witching hour for most mass murderers. I text Red to let him know that I am a sitting duck for any escaped convicts roaming our neighborhood and he texts me back to call the cable company. I respond with "The phone is down! Hello!" To which he answers "Then how are you texting me??". Ah yes...my cell phone works.

Feeling just a tad stupid, I decide instead of being proactive I would rather just do my best impression of a senior citizen and sleep. I slept for nine hours last night and have had 2 large coffees this morning, it is only 7:20 a.m. I just texted H and he will not stop at McDonald's and get me another coffee because he is an ass. Men are useless creatures in times of need, aren't they?

K

Annoyed much?

Today is Michelle's birthday and I wish her a happy birthday even if she doesn't know how to pronounce the word "wolves", she said wooves. Made us laugh out loud. She told me the other morning she was taking a break from her boyfriend then proceeded to have lunch with him that day. I'm thinking girl doesn't know the meaning of a break.

Can I tell you two things that annoy me. Not necessarily today but in general. One is people who don't bathe on a regular basis. How do you not want to bathe? I just had a conversation with H that I always feel better after a nice hot shower. When I have had a bad day, I come home and immediately wash the day away and it puts me in a better mood. I mean aside from the whole hygienic angle people should bathe every day, no?

My other annoyance is people with masters degrees who don't do anything with them. Why did you waste all that time and money if it doesn't mean anything to you and you're never going to use it? It leaves me shaking my head in wonder. We have a couple of those people here at work. You could be so much further ahead in your career right now and making much more money but you sit here and shrug your shoulders and say "I don't know if I want to." Just some things you should have pondered on before you got the masters. One of those people has such anxiety that she breaks down in tears and can't pass a test to get her license. Wow. She should be seeing someone for this. I can only imagine this same anxiety holds her back from enjoying life in general.

K

New Years Resolutions

Be meaner to people.
Not be nicer to people.
Be myself.

K

It's not like I'm keeping count or anything...

but H has not written in this blog since October. So like a typical woman, I carry the burden of keeping this thing going while H twiddles his thumbs and yanks his chain. He had a two week vacation where he readily admitted that he did absolutely nothing but couldn't so much as write one thing in this blog that was his idea in the first place. He's such a bitch.

I had to read back to the last time I was feeling sick and it was March 2008. Every year I am blessed with the sickness. I have had both the flu and pneumonia shot yet here I am congested with a sore throat and feeling like dog shit. I blame Big Red. He was sick last week and I wouldn't let him kiss me or hold my hand because I did not want to get sick. He told me he was all better so we kissed and BAM! Here I am feeling sick. Did I feel bad waking him up at 5:15 yesterday morning to tell him that because he was a huge liar I was now sick? HELL NO! He's such a bitch.

Let's just get this out here as well...I took a little tumble at the movie theatre last week because we walked in late and I couldn't see the stairs when the screen went dark during a scene. I'm glad H and Edgar laughed so hard they had to hold their stomachs when I told them the story yesterday. I'm glad my pain and humiliation was folly for my friends so early in this new year. I'm glad they were so concerned about my safety that when Edgar asked me if I hurt myself and I said yes, he laughed even harder. He's such a bitch.

I sense a theme running through this blog. When I feel sick, I'm such a bitch. (Said in my whinniest voice in a spanish accent that ends on a high note)

K