Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Girl, you're in danger! (again)

Did you read that story about the flaming ball that witnesses say fell from the sky near Austin? People went looking for it to see what it was. What the? This is just something I would never do, I would just report it and move on. So this coupled with seeing snippets from an alien movie this weekend got me to thinking and I decided to make this list.

Things I have learned NOT to do from watching alien/sci-fi movies:

• Never attend an End of the World/Welcome Aliens party. Self-absorbed party goers are always the first ones blown up because even aliens recognize stupidity.

• If you see a flaming ball of fire fall from the sky, do not go investigate. It will turn out to be a crashing spaceship of alien probes that will either pass on some flesh eating virus or vaporize you on sight leaving just your clothes behind.

• If I suspect someone I know has been taken over by an alien, I will not let on that I know. I will continue on like normal while I quietly ease out of their presence. I will then pass this information on to the nearest National Guard while I forget I ever knew this person existed.

• If there is a child/animal/friend/pitiful stranger in danger I will not go back to save them. I am not a self sacrificing martyr but a confirmed coward. I will chalk you up to toast and save my own ass, it’s nothing personal.

• If the government ever makes an announcement not to panic, I will not believe them. When the government denies any danger, you better run for your life.

• When, not if, aliens finally do make it to earth I will not follow all the people leaving my town. I will travel in the opposite direction because everyone will just be sitting in traffic that never moves. I hate traffic so much that I do not wish to spend my final moments, gasping my last breath, stuck in traffic behind some asshole.

• If I am the last human being left on earth I will not be their guinea pig/informant. No one who ever crosses to the dark side lives a peaceful existence. I will subtly swallow cyanide tablets that I keep hidden in my sleeve for just such an occasion. I’m sure on this point God will forgive me. Now that I think about it why would they even want me? I’m not a doctor, important to national security or a woman of child bearing age; therefore I would be useless to them.

Perhaps I have spent too much time watching Independence Day, Alien, and Cloverfield. Maybe someday this will be useful to me the way Survivorman is useful to a person lost in the wild. I hope to never know but if it does happen, don’t come looking for me. I’ll be long gone.


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