I can't do it, again!

Ok, so I couldn't let that last post be the first thing on this blog! 

I don't want to!

Ok, so I just don't want to write in this blog because I would have to write about what is on the top of my mind.  On the top of my mind is that I am depressed, unmotivated, and just out of it.   It feels weird having all of the thoughts at age 37!  I really should have had all of these realizations about 15 years ago.  

I was raised as a Catholic.  ALL of my family is Catholic and attends church.  My grandparents would host prayer groups, Posadas during Christmas (recreation of Mary and Joseph looking for lodging before Jesus' birth), weekly they would have local priests over to their home for dinner, and on and on.  One of my fondest memories was the Christmas that it was finally my turn to put out the baby Jesus during the huge Christmas Eve party.  Every year a different grandchild was given the honor of unwrapping baby Jesus and putting Him in His rightful place in the Nativity.  Many of my childhood memories revolve around some religious holiday or church event. I was even born on a "very important religious holiday"--Immaculate Conception.  Every birthday I would hear, "You know you were born on a very important day, right" at least 20 times.  

Fast forward to my 30th year and you will see me coming out to my parents because I was tired of hiding who I really was.  I was tired of missing so many family events because I didn't want to be asked about girlfriends, marriage, children.  Those family events meant the world to me.  They represented who I was, where I came from, and who I belonged to.  And now I wasn't able to attend for fear of being asked those impossible questions.  I felt uprooted and lost.  I missed so many years with my family--10 years to be exact.  I spent those years partying, drinking, hanging out with my "new family"--my friends and just being destructive.  I spent those years fighting with my parents/sister and searching for some type of affection.

You know, this is why the gays are so promiscuous.   You have to hide from your family and your closest friends everyday.  You long for the companionship and affection that all of your friends have with the opposite sex.  You fake it with girls you are "dating" that are acceptable to your friends and family.  You get close to women (fag hags) so that your family and friends think, for a short time, that maybe you are dating someone.  You spend those lonely nights just looking for some type of affection.  You find it at a club, on the streets around the club or wherever you can.  You have sex wherever you can and then run back to your life of hiding.  All of the gays do this; it is part of being in the closet. 

Looking back at those sexual encounter makes me sad.  I used to think that I was such a badass because I could have sex with a different guy every night if I wanted to.   Sometimes I did.  Now I look at those days with sadness because I was so not happy with who I was and what I was doing.  I wanted to be able to date someone, have my family and friends meet him and accept him.  I thought this would never happen.  

It has happened for me so why am I so upset?

I am upset because regardless of how accepted I am by my family and friends I will not be accepted by my country, state, or church.  

As I went through my late teens I thought I would hide my homosexuality for my whole life and never let anyone find out about this horrible secret.  I obviously didn't do that.  I have also really resigned myself about the the whole "marriage" issue. I don't need to get married to show my love for R.  We don't need to do that for anyone.  We know how much we love each other.  If my country and my state allowed gay marriage then I would do it but since it doesn't I won't. Really, what is the point.  I do believe that in my lifetime I will see gay marriage realized. I may be in a diaper sitting in my own shit but I do believe it will happen.  Sooooooo, the only thing I had left was my belief that God still loved me and that I was accepted by Him.  My mother's statements, innocent as they were, really have shaken me to the core of who I am, or was.    

I was raised to believe in heaven and hell. I was raised to believe that God is loving and forgiving.  I was raised to believe that you have be good and receive communion to one day have your place by His side in heaven.  That is the foundation with which I was raised.  My mother told me, that since I am gay I cannot receive communion.  So if you follow the logic...since I cannot receive communion then I will not have a place in heaven.  

I am so confused and heartbroken right now. I just really don't know what to feel or what to believe.  

Wow, puking, diarrhea of the butt and now of the mouth too!  Well maybe of my fingers since I typed it.  This is just a preview of what is in my head right now.  I am not ready to talk about this yet.  I am not ready to go to counseling, I thought I was but it was a disaster.  I will go back because I know I need to but just not today.  I need to sort out all of the thoughts I have in my head.  I just told another one of my closest friends this past weekend and it is getting easier.  It is my second coming out.    

TOUGH NIPS...

DELUSIONAL!!!!!!!

Picture of Roman at the local bathhouse.

Fat - Yay or nay?

Am I less tolerant of fat people now because I no longer want to be one? Hmmm...it's an interesting thought. I feel like I am getting healthier and changing and I guess I am in a different place than I used to be. But I am still fat so I don't know why I am feeling this way. It both bothers me and intrigues me.

Just because you change your mind do you feel others should change as well? If I were to stop believing in God would I expect others to stop believing as well? If I could no longer see would I not want to be around people who could? I need to go ponder on why I am feeling this way.

Is it because it reminds me of how I used to be or how I am afraid of being anymore/again (not sure, maybe both)? Do I now believe that people are this way just because they are lazy (my reason)? Am I afraid of failure in this area (yes)? Do I avoid people or situations that got me here in the first place now (yes)? Since I am fat shouldn't I be more understanding therefore tolerant? There is some deep rooted psychological reason I feel this way, I'm just not sure I want to know what it is. What if I don't like what I find when I get there?

K

Too fat...

Artificial

So yesterday I completely felt exhausted. I felt like I just wanted to collapse into a heap of fat and head. I was reminded that just becuase I can't feel emotion I still am not happy. I am artificially happy. I hate it. I am slowly coming to terms with some of my most pressing issues. I have a long way to go though.

I also feel like I don't know how long I can stay in my current job. The thing is that I don't have the energy or the desire to go look for another job. The idea of starting over at a new job just makes me want to bork. In my current job there are some changes in the near future -- maybe.
I hope that that will be enought to change my attitude. I am not sure.

Oh, I am also an old lady now. A grandgaymother if you will. I had to stop and buy a daily pill dispenser becuase I cannot remember to take my meds. Yesterday R had to bring me my meds at work becuase I forgot to take it. By mid morning I thought wait, I think I did take my pill this morning. I think I may have taken two yesterday. I don't know.

I think I just need to take a week off and veg. I want to do nothing. I don't want to travel anywhere, especially not in a plane.

What the fuck was I saying...

It is a good day indeed

Yesterday was unexpectedly wonderful... for a birthday.

Today it's not even 9 a.m. and I have had awesome sex with my husband, had him cook me breakfast and worked off said breakfast at the gym already. What a great day it is, indeed. The possibilities for the long weekend are endless and they begin with my crawling back in bed with my man.

K

Every day is a winding road

I've learned that eating healthy is not always easy but necessary. It's been two months and some days are more of a struggle than others but this too shall pass - my mantra. It would be easier to just give in and end up back in the same, comfortable place because that's where I was. Comfortable with being tired all the time, comfortable with not caring about myself, comfortable with denial at having a serious health issue...

Day by day sometimes isn't enough and sometimes it is moment by moment I have to live. But here in this moment I am and I take a moment to pause and remember what brought me to this decision in the first place. My life is made up of choices and in almost every moment there is a choice to do the right thing not necessarily the easy thing. I choose to remain focused and most of the time that brings me peace. I can't think of this as a race with a finish line but a journey that I should enjoy not only when I get there, but along the way.

Some days I don't have to think at all, it's just automatic. I love days like that. As great as that may sound, I don't always want days like that. Sometimes being in a struggle reminds me that I am alive and makes me feel as if I have won some personal inner battle when I have chosen the right path. Seems silly but this is what drives me every day and I like having that all to myself. I don't want to do this for anyone but me.

K

It's HOT in here!

Ok, so we moved into a new home nearly 18 months ago. Yea, like a year and a half. So we put in new ceiling fans to keep us cool. So far so good. The fans in the living room, and the other bedrooms work very well. It is really cold in there. Sometimes we have to turn them down or even off.

The one in our bedroom never felt like that. It blew some air but never really felt like it was on high. So about 6 months into being in our home I asked Money Butt to make sure it was spinning the right way. He used his long monkey arms to check it out. He said he couldn't find a switch. I told him there has to be one. He said he would check later but he never did. He was certain that there was nothing up there to switch and insisted it was turning the right way.

Ok, forward one year later. It is like a 124 degrees outside and I told him I was sure the ceiling fan wasn't working right. Again, he jumped on the bed and used his monkey arms to feel around on top of the fan. Sooooooo, he found the fucking switch this time because I made him really feel around. I turned it on and it nearly knocked me off the bed. It was like Hurricane Katrina blowing from our ceiling. This morning I was even wind burned. (I wanted to type win burned because that sounds right to me)!

OMFG! We laughed so hard for a very long time. I don't know if it is the meds but I couldn't stop laughing. For a fucking year and a half we were hot in our bedroom at night. Fucking dumbasses. Then we had sex.

This pic is what R looked like last night.

Colton Ford...seriously look him up!!!!

I GET SO EMOTIONAL BABY...

Shut the fuck up Whitney!  I don't get emotional anymore!  I used to but now I can't.  Really, I can't.  So I have been on this anti-depressant for two full weeks.  Damn, I hate even typing that.  Anyway, yes I am on Wellbuttrim (yes that is what it is called) and also Xanax (pronounced X-A-NEX).  Two cunty medications.   So now I really don't feel emotional.  I feel like maybe I want to cry but I can't.  I feel like I should be anxious but I can't.  The fact that I can't feel depressed is depressing me.  What have I done?  Was I that bad off that I needed to get on meds?  Those closest to me probably would scream a resounding YES!  

I have finally started to tell my closest friends.  The work-wife knows but that doesn't count; you tell your spouse everything.  I emailed P in El P yesterday and she replied she understood.  I hadn't talked to her in a long time, maybe nearly two months.  I know I need to tell my other friends that keep calling me but it is a hard thing to admit.  I have to admit that all the advice I have been giving them I now need.  I have to admit that I am not as strong as I once thought I was.  

The other thing that totally SUCKS is that I can't drink.  I love to drink.  Last friday I drank 5 Cosmos and 5 Blue Moons.  I was so fucked up!  It was weird, I had a hard time walking and felt light-headed but was not slurring my words.  I was totally lucid and making complete sense.  On the way home R told me you don't sound drunk, and I didn't.  I did totally feel sooooo fucking depressed. I cried all the way home but was able to talk to him about so much.  He talked to me and we had a great conversation.  He bought me tacos because I really hadn't eaten anything.  I had a few chips and two mushrooms.  Anyway, I didn't eat them because I just couldn't stop crying.  I was fine once we went to bed and he held me.  The next day I was fine too.  I was starving but OK.  I dont think I can do that again.  

Depressed but can't cry.  Depressed but can't drink.  Depressed and can't feel a thing.  Oh, yea the meds also make me constipated!  Yippee!  

BEWARE

Beware this man, he is a bad breaker upper and refuses to accept it. Don't say you haven't been warned and come crying to me when he breaks your heart, I won't hear of it. He will try to be your friend and still want to chat all the time but will date other women while you nurse your broken heart. Though it was funny when he tried to look all bad ass while riding a tricycle around the office, I'm just saying....

K

Just a leisurely stroll through the park

Big Red and I decided to get up and take a walk in the park today. We ended up at Central Market picking up brunch and heading over to Brackenridge Park. It was beautiful this morning, cool and clear. We ate fruit salad and turkey sandwiches under the trees and then fed some old hamburger buns to the ducks. We then walked up to the Japanese Sunken Gardens and they are beautiful, who knew they were even there? But the stairs...yeesh just about killed me and I've had jelly legs since this morning, but what a great workout.

We ended up coming home and making slow and easy love and that was awesome! But the best part was my husband turning to me at a red light on the way home and saying "I find myself falling in love with you all over again". I know, go ahead...this is an awwwwwww moment. He doesn't even know it but he is so getting lucky again this afternoon and tonight!! I'm giddy.

K