What a wicked weekend

That's right, the highlight of my weekend was Wicked. I loved it and am leaving for Broadway right away. I tell you, if I were a Broadway actress the part of Elphaba, the wicked witch of the west, is the part I would kill for. Just to perform "Defying Gravity" up there on wires with all the lights on you...awesome! It gave me chills. This cast was so good and I really enjoyed the play but I think the Lion King may still be number one for me.

After that we had dinner and drinks at Dick's Last Resort on the Riverwalk and it was an experience. Most of us had never been there before so it was a good time. The stupid paper hats they make you wear were fun and I enjoy sparring with rude waiters, though I think our waiter had a crush on H. Monkey Boy was the first one with a hat that said "I'm not gay but my boyfriend is" with an arrow pointing to H. I was next with "So easy a cave man could do me", Big Red got one that said "Free mustache rides" and H was the last with "I beat anorexia". We had a good time stuffing our faces, throwing paper napkins at unsuspecting diners and fighting off a woman who wanted a free mustache ride from my husband. We ended the night at Candelight with coffee and dessert and drum roll please....trannies!

These were older trannies with bad wigs, fishnet stockings, and really bad shoes. Big Red called them tranmas because they were older...trannies + grandmas = tranmas. It was quite exciting and we seemed to be the only ones getting all aflutter. Everyone else there seemed to be nonplussed about the tranny meeting taking place at one of the tables because this is a very gay friendly place. We tried to get pictures but we couldn't do it without being obvious and what we really wanted was just to have a conversation with them, out of sheer curiosity. Wicked and dicks and trannies, oh my, could this possibly be the best birthday weekend ever?

K

A beautiful gift

Today was a good day despite the fact that it is my birthday. I got flowers from my husband and gifts galore from my wonderful friends. If you read this blog on a regular basis you know we recently lost my beautiful baby dog, Nani. I blogged about it back on May 15th but have no idea how to link on here. Big Red and I were quite sad and have missed her terribly. H, being the good friend and talented artist that he is decided to ease our sadness the only way he could. I love the picture of Nani that he painted for me. I have to admit I broke down in tears when I saw it, but they were happy tears. Why am I always surprised when I have a better birthday than the year before?

K

Help me mama!

Hello...
I am so sad that my mama left me all alone in this big, hot and scary room. I have never been left alone like this for this long. Usually I am hanging on my mama's arm, taking a ride in her SUV or sitting in a nice cold fridge with my friends.
I don't really like this place when my mama and her stupid friends aren't here. I have had several people come up to me, open me and then stick their dirty hands in me. I feel so gross and used. sob....sob....sniff.....sob.....sob....sniff

I am not sure what will become of me if I sit here any longer. I wonder if maybe she is getting a new lunch bag and this is her way of getting rid of me. M recently threw her bag out and now has a stupid bunny lunch bag. No bag in the fridge likes that bunny bag. She is a total bitch.

This is an awful way to be discarded. I am so sad...

Lunch bag

Why, despite everything I write, I still enjoy coming to work every day.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~ e.e. cummings

K

Hey good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!

Stars and stripes, I'm tired! I went to bed at 10 p.m. and was up at 5:15 a.m., so that's some pretty good sleep I had, don't know why I am dragging ass. You know what I was thinking? No, of course you don't so let me tell you. You remember that commercial for Mr. Microphone? "Hey good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!"? Like some one would wait? If she was that good looking why not pick her up right now? You were in a convertible for Christ's sake, just put her on your lap,man! On to my original thought...I was a kid when that commercial came out but I always thought that would be a cool thing to have and didn't understand why my parents didn't rush out and buy one. You know some yahoo was smoking a doobie with his friend and they thought of this as a joke one night and made millions of dollars off of it. Why can't that happen to me? I mean I don't sit around with a friend and light up a fatty but I have some great ideas. None of which I will post here because some one may use it, become a millionaire and maybe give me a shout out while they call me a dumb ass for posting it.

Anyway, my point is this. I hate infomercials and laugh at them with my husband but is it bad when I suddenly think "Hey, this isn't a bad idea"? I'm sitting there wishing I had the sonic ears so I could listen to people across the street say sweet things about me because in the commercial they never gossip, only compliment, as if. Or wishing I had me a slanket or snuggie or whatever that blanket with arms is when Big Red cranks the AC down in the 70's. What if the Ped Egg does make my feet softer or the memory foam will make me sleep better or the yoga booty ballet does give me a firmer ass or the Time Life collection of crap does make my life better?? This is why I should have gone in to advertising not accounting. It is so much easier to make people believe you need useless crap to improve their lives and make you rich. Hey maybe I can do both. Advertise their products for them then help them count their money as it rolls in and of course charge them for both. I have a special needs dog to support.

K

How many employees does it take to fix a coffee pot?

I don't really know but I do know Lari is going to kill T and D if they can't fix it. I knew this was going to be a bad day. For the record, I didn't pick up McDonald's coffee today nor did I kill the coffee pot. That is a manufactured picture with a knife that H found outside in the dirt. IT WAS A SET UP!

K

Exhibit A

Your Honor I would like to enter the first piece of evidence in the trial of the murdered coffee pot. This picture was taken minutes before the red thingies were found. I believe if you look closely you will see remnants of red thingies on the knife and if you look even closer you will see anger, hatred and rage in the eyes of K. She is one sick individual with a twisted sense of humor.

I believe her blog entry was an attempt to throw off the investigation. She acts as if she is surprised by the murder, then blogs about it so there is a record of it.

I am here also as a character witness. I can tell she is a real character who gets her kicks out of seeing people suffer from lack of caffeine. She picks up McDonalds coffee EVERY day so she has no need for the coffee served at our little office.

I rest my case, your Honor.

H

Oh someone will pay.

Firstly, please join me in welcoming H back to the blog. It's about time he posted an entry. I guess he's been too busy painting masterpieces to bother with us common folk. I personally love his art and hate that he is so critical about it. JUST STOP!

Secondly, I have a gripe. Shocking, I know! Your Honor, I would like to submit the above picture as Exhibit A in the trial of the century. You see those two little cheap plastic red thingies? They should be one piece on the little round black knob above it. This is what we use to pour the coffee out of the coffee pot. I came in this morning and they were lying there, DEAD! Someone has killed the coffee pot and not left a note, a hit and run, if you will. I ask you, how are we supposed to get the coffee out now? We have an office of 25 people coming in, in less than an hour and some of those people require coffee to function. Your Honor, I submit we detain, fingerprint, and question each individual to see who the guilty party is. When he or she is found we hold a trial (I'm not completely unreasonable) and when they are found guilty (maybe I am) we make them suffer. I don't think I am asking too much. I believe the other coffee drinkers will back me up.

I need to go start the phone tree and tell everyone not to come in, the office has to shut down due to a coffee emergency. If I don't, this is gonna make the nightly news once the riots start.

K

I hate it...

I seem to hate quite a bit... M  A  Y  B  E       I have issues with anger.  

I DON'T CARE IF I DO!  SHUT UP!

So I just realized I have a love/hate relationship with my paintings.  Recently I have been painting a lot more and I have truly enjoyed it and can't believe that I waited so long to get started again.  What the hell is wrong with me?  

I think I may have doubted my talent or maybe I just wasn't inspired.  Maybe it was both.  One day about three months ago I stood up and proclaimed, "I will paint again" and I did.  

I am working on a new piece right now and I think I am nearly finished.  I say think because I tend to obsess about it a bit.  I could keep painting over the same damn lines repeatedly if I allowed myself to.  I kinda hate my latest painting.  I think I have looked at it so long and have stressed out about it a bit that I am hating it.  I think it sucks.  I am giving myself till Friday to finish it and then I will post it for the world to see and judge. 

I felt this way when I finished my last two paintings as well.  

Maybe it is a tortured artist thing.  Hmmmm...I am not really tortured and I am not really an artist.  

Later Bitches.

H

Why I don't need to drink and drive:

These are the things I pondered on the way home from work today.

Is it Bar-B-Q or Bar-Be-Que or BBQ? They are spelled differently on every other sign I come across and frankly it’s freaking me out. Also the pronunciation of words like coupon – is it coopon or quepon? Route – is rowt or root? Caribbean – is carribeeyen or carry be-en? This is what keeps me up at night, people.

I over use paper products like paper towels and toilet paper. It’s a bad habit and I blame part of it on my OCD. What if I am single handedly responsible for global warming and I don’t know it? I mean I recycle at home but what if that doesn’t make up for all the other stuff?

Why do I have such gut wrenching, overprotective, motherly love for my dog? Is it because I never had children of my own and is it even normal?

When I was growing up I was obsessed with Mary Tyler Moore and I wanted to be just like her character. A single woman in a studio apartment with a fabulous job and dating good looking guys, who wouldn’t want to be her? I always wanted to see what her closet looked like because she used to change her clothes in it so it must have been huge. Is it weird that I always wondered where her character would be today? I know they made a movie, believe me I watched it.

Is it weird that I am more interested in the actors in popular commercials than what they are selling? Like the Progressive girl or the credit report .com guy? I’m interested in their lives and who they really are so much that I google them. A little on the stalker side…yay or nay?

This is reason #691 I don’t have children. I have absolutely no useless information or knowledge to pass on to them. I also worry they would have inherited my unhealthy appetite for ridiculous and unimportant facts.

It’s only a 20 minute commute and I was singing along to the radio. How do they even let me have a license?

K

Houdini lives!

What the hell? Big Red calls me yesterday at work to tell me "I thought you locked Max in the house when you left?!" Uh...I did. HE WAS OUT! What the? The doggy door was down and the doors and windows were locked! We were quite puzzled by this. We think he figured out how to push up the doggy door and slip under it. How do you contain a dog that is too smart for his own good? He pawed and chewed through the back gate and was out faster than Houdini. Do you know my stomach hurts when I think about how anxiety ridden and stressed he must feel? Thank goodness I didn't have kids because I worry enough about this dog. Do I need to quit my job and be a stay at home dog mom? Maybe he has grown thumbs and can now open doors. Lord, it was a Monday.

Today, I am already in my office and my hair isn't brushed, my cell phone is in the red, my gas tank is empty and I am having honey roasted peanuts and Diet Dr. Pepper for breakfast. What is wrong with me? I am usually much more put together than this, I swear. It may just be this time of the year. I am working on budgets, trying to close out a fiscal year and just realized my finance assistant is off today and my boss will be off for the next three days. Do you think it will be a peaceful and relaxed day? Do you think if I could go back in time I would pick another career besides accounting? I almost did but that's a story for another time. I can't go in to it now because I have just worked myself up in to a frenzy. I am going to do 5 minutes of meditation (medication would be better) and start my day. No pressure.

K

Monday is dragging me down, man.

I just finished having lunch with Fast Eddie, Little Gay R and Frownie. (Please refer to picture of Fast Eddie and Little Gay R) H had told me Frownie had a boyfriend, but this is the first time she ever talked about him. She told me he is in to health and when they first started dating he would serve her so he could portion her food. What?! She has totally called him on it and he has since stopped. This fascinated me. Firstly because I can't imagine her with a man and secondly that she had the balls to call him on it (she is somewhat timid). Now that she has talked a little about him, I feel compelled to know more. I'm dying to see a picture of Michael (Frownie's man) and hear more about him because honestly, H and I thought she was batting for the other team. Isn't it weird to have a perception of someone only to find out they are completely different the more you get to know them?

Fast Eddie is missing his girlfriend because she went on a cruise that she didn't invite him to. For some reason and you have to know Fast Eddie to get this, I found this very funny. During lunch we started discussing relationships, as we do at least once a week. The subject this week was do you still "date" and who pays. We all agree that romance and courting are something from the past and those things are really a lost art. The boys agreed that they still feel more comfortable paying but what about in a gay relationship? Little Gay R said it can be confusing and whoever issues the invite is the one who pays. Interesting. I learn so much from our work lunches. Just a side note: I heart me some honey roasted peanuts, just in case you were wondering.

K

Max has new teacher!

It is Monday and I am here at work, again. Didn't I just leave? It was a busy weekend and we were on the go but we did manage to squeeze in an hour nap on Saturday between appointments. We had dog trainers over to give their free demo's and what an eye opening experience. We have chosen the one Max liked the best and who we felt most comfortable with. I picked the first guy because Max walked right up to him and by the end of the visit he was able to use both hands to scratch under Max's chin. Unbelievable!



The second trainers were a little abrupt and Max was just not having any of it. They not only forgot everything we had told them but actually scolded me for petting my dog. They called me a weak spirit. They also told us he would never be normal and always full of fear and anxiety. WTF? Then why would I want you training him if he is beyond help? It was exhausting for all of us but we did pick up some really good tips. We took Max to Petsmart yesterday and he did really well with all the puppies. One of the puppies was a husky and we couldn't help but feel sad because we still miss Nani. So Max will get to know Ian very well and after the home lessons will be joining a group class with his other dogs. We plan on having a very elaborate graduation party when the time comes.

K

Who did it?

Extra Extra - Breaking story at the office!

Someone switched Michelle's and H's lunches, meaning someone took their lunches out of their lunch boxes and did the 'ole switcharoo. I thought it was hilarious but I think Michelle was a bit miffed since she was in a rush. She kept accusing me and Fast Eddie of being the instigators. Granted it was a good idea but I was not involved, this time. It will be next time. If it were my idea I would have immediately fessed up and taken my accolades. I must admit the more miffed she got the funnier I thought it was. Is that mean? This is what happens when you pull practical jokes at work - anything else that happens is your fault, guilty or not.

Tonight is Chica's 28th birthday celebration and here's the thing. If it were drinks after work, I'd be all over it. It's 9 p.m. tonight at a huge gay club (which I love) but isn't there an expiration date on my going out like this? If I was in my 20's or 30's, it would probably be fun, but now? I feel like I'm old moldy cheese because I'd rather spend my evenings at home with my husband instead of out with my friends. I'm going to go watch "Murder, She Wrote" and take my Geritol.

K

Is it Friday yet?

Who knew working a full week after being on vacation would be so hard? I'm exhausted. H survived his thunder and lightning storm in tact but he is now studying to be a mime. Because he was dreaming he was in a box, get it? I'm tired, cut me some slack.

I had family drama last night and I'm over it. Sometimes don't you totally get those people who run away and start new lives? It was all over something so silly and I smoothed everything over but someone had their panties in a bunch and it wasn't me.

I got home last night and couldn't find Max. I heard whining and finally found him locked in the spare bedroom. When I called my husband to ask him what happened, he told me the door must have closed behind Max, thus locking him in the room. He could have been in there for as long as 3 hours!? My poor puppy, no wonder he is so traumatized all the time and we now need a dog behaviorist.

The highlight of my day was lunch yesterday and let me just give you the rundown on our exciting and action packed hour. Michelle got a new lunch box with bunnies, Little Gay R is committed but will be okay if he and his man break up, Fast Eddie is convinced he is destined for greatness when it comes to running (he may very well be) and H and I are on to another one of our brilliant business opportunities. You know, the way we built up our massive radio, newspaper, and detective empire? We are not very good at the follow through and I'm pretty sure that part is important. I would say we are excellent dreamers though. We talk the talk but don't walk the walk...obviously. Just look at our picture, walking is not what we do best.

K

Yawn...

Last night I was having a dream that I was trapped in a big box, it was silent and I was sweating. In my dream I reached up to my forehead because I felt like I was having a heat stroke. As I wiped my brow I realized that this wasn't a dream, it was real. I was half awake thinking it was a bad dream. It wasn't a dream. I WAS really hot, it WAS eerily quiet and I WAS sweating. I sat up and realized the power was out. I panicked because I thought that maybe I was late to work but realized it was pitch black so my keen detective skills told me I probably wasn't late.

I reached over and hit Monkey boy to wake up. I told him the power was out and asked him to fix it. Around this time our baby Picasso awoke and started crying and crying and crying. R got out of bed and walked around looked out the windows and was just pissy. It was raining pretty hard and I was annoyed. Ususally I like thunderstorms at night but usually I have electricity.

R couldnt find the number to the electric company so I had to find it. Google people, Google.

He called and they said it may take a couple of hours. Sure, try 5 hours!

We laid there in the quiet with no A/C, no ceiling fan and no floor fan. I have to have background noise to sleep. A crying dog and thunder is not background noise. That is just plain annoying.

I finally fell asleep some time after 3am after I answered a few emails of course. The power came on at 5:45am with the TV box, both fans and Picasso crying. Yippee!

OMG! The electricity is out and it is fucking hot! How do people sleep with it being so quiet? I have to have background noise. It is too hot to sleep. What do I do?!

Why do we even blog?

I saw this postcard on Postsecret and it made me laugh out loud. This is the subject of Bye Bye Pie's latest entry in her blog and it reminded me of her, she is so funny. Most of our friends don't even know where our blog is. Is it weird that I don't share this with most of my friends but have absolutely no problem with strangers reading this? What does that mean?

K

How do I choose?

Obligatory random picture of Little Gay R and I at lunch, goofing as usual. H is quite the spontaneous photographer. R is having some personal relationship issues so of course that was our topic of conversation yesterday at lunch. It occurred to me that we spend a lot of time at lunch talking about our significant others which makes me wonder do they spend as much time doing the same? I already know the answer from my hubby, uh no. Men don't spend hours dissecting relationships or questioning what something means so why do we (me and my gays)? Because it's fun.

We had two dog trainers contact us yesterday and they are both coming by this weekend so we can meet them but how do I know which one is better? I'm sure they are both quite lovely people and work well with dogs. How else would they stay in business? I just don't know what to look for or what kind of questions to ask. They are both around the same outrageous price and come to your home to work within your time frame. I already know Maxipad won't like either one of them because that is his main issue...he is just scared of strangers. I have to sell my kidney to afford them but I don't really need both of them anyway. Is it wrong to love my dog this much?

K

It's just another Manic Monday...

I was kissing Valentino by a crystal blue Italian stream...okay I wasn't, but it sounds good, right? Damn Bangles. I heard a story once where someone was trying to tell their husband about this song the Bangles sang but her husband thought she said Bengals, as in Cincinnati Bengals. Imagine his confusion, the Bengals recorded a song??

It was a calm and relaxing weekend except for Big Red being on call and having to go in to work for some water emergency Saturday night. I wonder what her name was. Anyway, we had my parents over for dinner Sunday night and that was the highlight of our weekend. No, actually us cleaning on Saturday night was the highlight. We laughed about how we were such an exciting and adventurous couple. We wanted to go have drinks with H that night but we have a needy little boy that we are committed to. Such is the life of doggy parents.

I only worked on Friday last week so this is the first full week back to work and doesn't that suck? I have A LOT of work to catch up on and it's payroll today. Who wouldn't want to be me? The best thing about today is I loaded new songs on my IPod and I get to listen to that while I work, sad but true. To prepare for my Monday I got to work extra early to meditate and I now have my ocean sounds with relaxing music playing while no one is around. The other good news, Jo left the coffee pot ready to go and I have hot coffee. How could this Monday get any better? If it were Friday.

K